On veteran's day

“Honor to the soldier and sailor everywhere, who bravely bears his country's cause. Honor, also, to the citizen who cares for his brother in the field and serves, as he best can, the same cause.” 

 - Abraham Lincoln.

For some time I carried this weight.  Despite my six years in the US Department of Defense, working three months in Iraq in 2007, being one of the few women who wore civilian clothing - although we were given the option of wearing desert cammos that read "DoD Civilian" and then another couple years actually considered a US Army Civilian, and in both instances, carrying around an official identity card declaring me as accompanying the Armed Forces and subject to Geneva Conventions - I don't feel worthy of the title or honor of being called a veteran. 

 International Zone, Baghdad 2007

Sure I went to the same training as many of uniformed colleagues before I was shipped on the same military aircraft to the same desert destinations. Sure I cried when I thought about my uniformed friends who I could not save ... who died for this country, or those who had to leave their families behind (just as I was leaving mine behind), for service. When my unit went to a sponsored day of gratitude to the Armed Forces at Busch Gardens, I felt like a freeloader. 

Yes after six years of service I walked away, not sure what those six years had given me, and not sure what they would contribute to my future. 

In any case, I always feel immense pride at having served alongside my brave, self-less, uniformed brethren. Even for the short-term I did, usually behind multiple lines of defense if and when I was overseas with them. Every time Veterans Day comes around - I struggle with this mix of pride, shame, and egoism. I recognize all my friends who wore the uniform - and certainly I could have taken up the uniform; I also wonder how many other civilians like me, who served in the rear to support our troops or worked alongside them, feel the same way I do. 

I honor all our country's veterans, those in uniform, in the past, present, and future, and those who served alongside those in uniform to support our country's cause.

onto more important things

I'm catching up on current events. A few days ago I learned my cousin was forced out of her short-term rental (a place away from her husband so she wouldn't have to spend two hours commuting each way to work) because her roommate caught her praying. She is a British-accented, non-hijab wearing, modern career woman with degrees in accounting. I, on the other hand, only reveal my religious heritage only after direct scrutiny, and the fact my last name gives it all away. Through my years working within the U.S. military and government agencies, I have often found I'm the minority, and my colleagues are hyper-sensitive to anyone coming close to inferring I have terrorist ties, with the exception of my Irish Army polygrapher. I don't want to make anyone tip-toe around what is a politically charged issue that is intrinsically linked to my namesake and of course, my identity. I've found a pretty thoughtful editorial (the link is in the title).

It invokes many images for me. One is of a regional Taekwondo tournament I participated in where I got my butt thoroughly beaten by a hijab-wearing black belt, coached by an Egyptian American. I have never met a more ferocious, powerful and fast woman in the competition ring in my life. I'm also thinking about the article I read in JO magazine, Jordan's version of The Washingtonian, about how 85% of Jordanian women believe their husbands have a right to physical beat their wives. I'm also taken back to a Facebook wall argument I had with a friend of a friend about health care, when he callously turned it into a debate about my personal background based on what he thought he knew about the origins of my name.

So what is the point of all this? I'm glad I'm not alone in having to defend something that is part of millions of peoples' identity, and two, I'm glad to have known such a wide diversity of experiences, which only three of which I've illustrated here out of a multitude; to show that it is exactly about that, diversity.

the battle was lost ... but what of the war?

Afghanistan? Iraq? The presidential debates? No. My commitment to have a life outside international affairs. Even my last two blog posts were about international affairs or its pursuit. I think I have become what I dreaded ... A person without a life outside her career. But is there still hope? Let's hope and stay tuned. Hopefully dispatches outside the international affairs realm but with a decidedly foreign flavor will be coming ...

حقيقة

I'm realizing I'm a city girl. I'm in Vermont for the summer, suffering, but really I'm not. I get three square meals provided each day (and then some--possibly some of the best dairy products in the country), am fortunate enough to have an A/C unit on the rare hot days, and am in a beautiful valley surrounded by misty green mountains as far as the eye can see in every direction.



I'm learning Arabic, in fact I'm sort of breaking the language pledge by writing in this blog. I'm bad, but I'm half way through almost no? Hopefully they won't kick me out for this infraction. Although I think I'm just becoming more dangerous with Arabic, my English is probably getting worse, so excuse the typing lapses.



I'm realizing I'm a country girl too, I can be in the country in a class for six hours look at said beautiful mountain ranges while knowing I have a rope and a full rack in my dorm and a car that loves to be driven. I've only been climbing once outside since I've been here, even though one of my favorite places in the world, the Adirondacks, is in my view to the west. Truly torture, truly the hardest thing I've done in my life. Truly دراسة اللغة العربية اصعب شي في هياتي.

bhutto

Nobody ever wants to criticze the dead, but the title links to a good op-ed. Westerners on a cursory study of South Asian politics grasp what they percieve as the oxymoron of a forward leading culture that puts women at the forefront of leadership, despite strong veins of traditional Islam. However, whether it was Indira Ghandi, Sheikh Hasina, or Khaleda Zia, and now Bhutto, it is not about progressive female leadership, but continuing and preserving dynasties.

crazy but not insane

The blog is becoming re-active (but we'll see how long this lasts). Mostly because I'm enroute to Baghdad for work so now while in Baghdad I will do my best not to write about work.

Right now I'm too exhausted to be excited or nervous about working in Baghdad. I know I'm definitley looking forward to it. When a lot of my family and friends heard that I was going to work there they immediatley assumed that my work was forcing me to go, when in fact I volunteered. I guess its hard to get people to see I'm not crazy for volunteering. When the U.S. first started talking about the war, I was completely against it. I didn't believe Gen. Powell's testimony to the U.N. and I didn't think the evidence for the case Saddam having WMD was strong, in fact I thought it was very weak. Now that the U.S. is completely embroiled in Iraq, and it really is the top foreign policy issue for the U.S., and since I've always had an interest in the Middle East and U.S. foreign policy, it is a pretty natural career choice. Also, although this war is a mess made by people I disagreed with, I do believe this is a mess the U.S. has to take responsiblity for and although I may not be the smartest person or someone who can fix this problem, rather that waiting in the sidelines and complaining about it, I am taking the opportunity to do something about it. I have friends in the military who are serving in the front lines and this war has taken an enormous toll on their lives and their loved ones (some people say ... aren't they volunteer? but come on, given the choice to go to war or go to jail is really not about volunteering). The orphans, widows, and emotionally and physically impaired survivors of this war on both sides is heartbreaking. I've always been drawn to helping others, and I wouldn't be going if I thought the danger was so high, but I'm confident my heart is in the right place. I may not be able to accomplish peace in three months, but I hope I can influence even in a minute way to keep things from becoming its absolute worse.

demographics

NPR's blog alerted me to this interesting feature, tells you what the demographics of the consumer of a product and even readership of a website.

They have me pegged a bit wrong for my car, a Toyota Echo, right on the female, wrong on the 35-49 age group.

Now if you read my blog you are most likely male and younger than 18 years old, true???? Apparently I'm not familiar with all my readers.

the muslim invasion

Because its a hot-topic, I found The Economist wrote some pretty thoughtful articles on it:

Tales from Eurabia & Look Out Europe They Say

Even today in conferences sponsored by academics and practitioners I find people saying some pretty awful, unknowledgable things about Islam and its interactions with the West. If you don't already know, I'm pretty opposed to Huntingon's Clash of Civilizations, only because Islam, Christianity, and Judaism really come from the same civilization; which kills his entire argument. But here I am trying not to get carried away by an issue too close to my studies, my work, and my heart on a blog where I made a promise to show how it is not consuming my life. I am interested in your thoughts though.

Fukuyama is damn right

He makes the point that suddenly no high-powered politician in Washington wants to make. Everyone seems afraid to say they were wrong and continue sticking to convictions proven false. For admitting he's a human and made judgments he backed 100% previously, Fukuyama has shed his neo-con skin.

"The logic of my prewar shift on invading Iraq has now been doubly confirmed. I believe that the neoconservative movement, with which I was associated, has become indelibly associated with a failed policy, and that unilateralism and coercive regime change cannot be the basis for an effective American foreign policy. I changed my mind as part of a necessary adjustment to reality.

What has infuriated many people is President Bush's unwillingness to admit that he made any mistakes whatsoever in the whole Iraq adventure. On the other hand, critics who assert that they knew with certainty before the war that it would be a disaster are, for the most part, speaking with a retrospective wisdom to which they are not entitled.

Many people have noted the ever-increasing polarization of American politics, reflected in news channels and talk shows that cater to narrowly ideological audiences, and in a House of Representatives that has redistricted itself into homogeneous constituencies in which few members have to appeal to voters with diverse opinions. This polarization has been vastly amplified by Iraq: Much of the left now considers the war not a tragic policy mistake but a deliberate criminal conspiracy, and the right attacks the patriotism of those who question the war.

This kind of polarization affects a range of other complex issues as well: You can't be a good Republican if you think there may be something to global warming, or a good Democrat if you support school choice or private Social Security accounts. Political debate has become a spectator sport in which people root for their team and cheer when it scores points, without asking whether they chose the right side. Instead of trying to defend sharply polarized positions taken more than three years ago, it would be far better if people could actually take aboard new information and think about how their earlier commitments, honestly undertaken, actually jibe with reality — even if this does on occasion require changing your mind."

Man, all this shit with the immigration bill and Democrats backing so hard against modifications (not to mentioned the death of the Dubai World Ports deal in the U.S.) makes me feel very un-blue. Go green! I wonder if the Dems know they are reacting to a hard-line administration pulled further right than the Republican party, and this sudden protectionism is going bury them come the next election (whoa I'm making a prediction here?). Am I anti-American for suddenly advocating the shelving of the electoral college system and encouraging more diverse political parties who actually speak to issues these days?

rest and relaxation

Regardless of what I think of this war, tonight I had an experience that put everything in perspective. The kind of perspective that makes me feel like none of the bully pulpit pounding that goes on in Washington DC means anything and the type of perspective that puts razor sharp lines around purpose like a glaring street light. I was surounded by young men and women taking a break from the war up North, emotionally battle scarred, worn, eager and hungry for a friendly face. I overheard their stories, stories of uncommon heroism. A mechanic, not just any mechanic, but an infantry mechanic whose job included cleaning out vehicles that came back from the combat zone, covered in his comrade's blood and bones. Of a young woman who had the bottom half of her face torn away, survived for a day, and then died, leaving behind three young children, none of whom were her own. When I was listening uninvited to the conversation, the heat of tears filled my eyes. This is the closest I've physically gotten to the war in Iraq, and I almost felt selfish for wanting to cry. Maybe I felt they (soldiers) bleed inside in a different way, wondering which one of their friends would make it back to the barracks, or if he would be able to console his wife if he gets back at the end of his tour. Crying felt very selfish then. I would never know the bounds of their sadness and pain. At the same time, maybe I would never feel their happiness to be have a few days respite from battle. They were relieved with joy: to go shopping in an Arab country that had a mall rivalling Tyson's Galleria II, cruise in a dhow in the Gulf, and jump sand dunes in SUV's without being shot at and then have Applebee's for dinner. In a few days they will return to the front lines, the days they slept here without the sounds of mortars and gunfire above them and swam in a clean freshwater pool a hopeful memory; while I fly back to DC, return to my loft condo and have dinner at a trendy restaurant downtown. At the same time I may never know what they actually feel.

conservative vs. liberal

Exactly what does it mean? You think there would be a clear answer, but there isn't. There's the international level of conservative and liberal, the domestic version of conservative and liberal, and the social version of conservative and liberal. Frankly, I choose independent because I'm completely confused. They seem to have morphed into labels, into us vs. them, with very little differences between them.

Please pipe in. So what brought on Bureauqette questioning the meanings of conservative and liberal? Probably because I've been utterly confused when I found myself agreeing with people who outwardly claimed they were conservative Republicans.

There are the obvious humorous stereotypes (I don't advocate them but this is what I hear) we make:

In General: Liberal-tree hugging effiminate peace loving, hippie World Bank protestor; UN & Nader champion
Conservative-religious rich tie-eating, pro-military anti-abortion, unipower world advocate; Bush lover

In International Affairs: Conservative means realist, and liberal means, well liberal. Realists are obsessed with states and power calculations, liberals are obsessed with multi-national organizations.

Domestically, conservatives are suburban/rural or who have money; advocate less government. Liberals are midde-class young urbanites who want accountability from the government.

Socially: Conservatives are religious, anti-abortion, traditionalists. Liberals are secular, testing social boundaries, pro-life.

Well who gives a sh*t? I'm speaking in generalities here, but here are my thoughts. In all three cases I'd probably claim I'm a liberal. One guy told me that men are hesitant to claim they are liberal because it's emasculating. However, sometimes I find myself distanced from some liberals because I don't really appreciate their talking about the opposition in rabid foul language, where on the contrary I've met gentlemanly soft-spoken respectful conservatives (I've seen vice versa as well). Although this is all situation and personality dependent, I've observed that both sides are sometimes unwilling to hear the other side, and maintain they are right no matter what. Additionally, both sides often generalize their arguments, and seem to think one or two factors have made the situation what they are, ignoring that most of the issues they disagree on are incredibly complex with factors not readily apparent influencing the issue. And that makes liberals and conservatives all the same to me.

Powell Commission

So Powell is possibly going to lead a commission to investigate the handling of Hurricane Katrina?

Just as a point, I find that fascinating given his admission about the infamous speech he gave to the UN:

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell said Thursday his prewar speech to the United Nations accusing Iraq of harboring weapons of mass destruction was a "blot" on his record.
"I'm the one who presented it to the world, and (it) will always be a part of my record. It was painful. It is painful now," Powell said in an interview with Barbara Walters on ABC-News.

Is this a recovery attempt?

missive

Just when you were complaining about getting colds from the A/C my sister sends a little note from a southern continent:

Sorry to hear that work/school is ruining your life. I sent a letter to you last week, which you'll probably get in a month or two.
PC put us in the middle of butt fuck SA. Our training is alright, but they seriously baby us. We're not allowed to go anywhere w/o a chaperone or w/o their permission. We're all looking forward to when training will be over.
Next week should be interesting since I'll get to meet my supervisor and visit my site of work. And it will be a nice change from Moletji, where we are staying now. The bucket baths aren't helping w/my personal hygiene standards and I am contemplating shaving my head since doing a head stand in a bucket to wash my hair isn't the best methods for getting it clean. But otherwise I am having a good time :) Yeah, go ahead and post my e-mails about my BO if you want...not sure how interesting your friends will find it.
glad you had a good b-day, wish I could've been there.

rockets

"The one good thing about heading out at night is looking up and seeing the stars. Here, when the dust storms pass, there are a million. If you stare long enough, you'll see at least one shooting star overhead, which is a lovely thing, especially after you verify it's not an incoming rocket."

This is an excerpt from Juliet Macur's blog from Iraq, where she is covering the war for the New York Times. I am fascinated by the lives of people during war time in a war zone. None of us can really imagine what it's like to be there, but she writes some pretty good entries.

vicariously

I think I partially started this blog to convince myself that I could have interests outside of school and work and still maintain them. Well my little sis has taken the less beaten path and is now training as a Peace Corps volunteer in South Africa. So far this is her first communication to us (besides the initial one where she told us she got there safe):

Hey Everyone!
I am in a township near the village where I am living at an internet cafe. We're staying in a small town called Moletji. On Wednesday we left our campus for our homestays. My homestay family is really nice. They've adoped me as their daughter and given me a Tshvenda name "Humbulani" which means: to remember. My homestay mother has started sewing me a traditional dress as well, which I think is pretty cool. I am learning the language Tshvenda
which is spoken in the northern part of Limpopo Province. I don't konw my assignment yet, but that will be on September 5. I've heard that the area where I'll be living is very lush and green. Plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables. I'll probably be near Kruger National Park as well.
There are a total of 88 volunteers, 37 in the NGO HIV/AIDS program and 51 in Education. When I find out more details about my assignment I'll send out another e-mail. When we find out our assignments on Sept. 5 I'll go on a 3 day site visit to get oriented to my work place. The people in our group are really nice...lots of different backgrounds. There are 3 other people in my language group, so I'll most likely be near them. Our language instructor is from the area (called "venda") and my homestay mother is from there as well so I get a lot of practice.
The food here is good. They feed us a lot of this maize porridge called "pap" similar to "ugali" for those of you who have visited Kenya. I am not a fan of it, which I think my homestay mom noticed because she's been serving me rice. There are 8 children in my homestay family, 4 girls/4 boys, ranging in age from 6 months to 20. We have electricity, but no running water so I've been taking bucket baths and using a pit toilet. Its not that bad..I am able to be relatively clean and deoderant helps a lot. Hope everyones doing well and I'll send out my next update when I next get access to e-mail, which may take a while.

weeping

London is my sister, brother 1/2 of my family city. I walked in the rain home and thought about how crises brings out the worst in everyone, those who can only stomp their feet, bang their hands against furniture, yell at people, be inconsiderate to people, and make you realize who cares for you and who does not. Makes you realize who's in denial, who will cry, and those who will ask and show concern. I admit I cried intermittently through work. Had this attack happened in Egypt or when it happened in Spain on 3/11 I did not weep. But I have brothers and sisters in London, two of whom barely exited two tube stations that were affected by this morning's explosions. I had seen them wed one summer in London, and heard their pains and joys. Ma'shallah, they were safe, healthy and unharmed. It was a near call for them, and others were not so fortunate.

I saw Bush in stern proud stance behind Blair as they condemned the attacks as 'barbaric.' Then came the anger. Anger at Bush for going to war in Iraq, creating a quagmire, and possibly making the U.S. and our allies less safe. I was angry at Blair for going along with Bush and being what my British brothers and sisters call him, a 'poodle.' Bush's poodle.

I wanted to wring the necks of those who perpetrated the attacks, find them and execute every dirty martial arts maneuver I knew through my 12 years of training on them with my bare hands, my il ee bong (nun chucks), shangai sword, bo staff, cane, sai, belt, uniform ... and so on. Bastards, fucking hell bastard that give Islam a bad name and kill innocents for a cause they will never achieve (if we ever figure it out).

Anyway, its martini time.

OBL

Osama bin Laden ... yeah, that dude? Porter Goss reminded us last week that OBL still exists and that he knows where the man is ... he also reminded us all that the CIA is wondering what the freak they'll do once the Director of National Intelligence becomes the intended czar of the intelligence community ... normally I wouldn't touch on my graduate studies, but Wednesday night I found myself raising my voice much louder than usual in my discussion class.

The discussion was on the use of 'targeted killings,' a euphemism for 'assassination.' Several people in the class made the argument that OBL ought to be assassinated for revenge, retribution, and because we're in a freakin' war AGAINST terrorism ... Now I'm no one to say that I wouldn't be happy and do a little dance if the guy ended up dead ... but my argument was, how can you take out a man whose al-Qaida movement rewards martyrdom? Makes saints out of those who die in 'battle?' Who are encouraged by the reward of the afterlife?

Apologies for getting on the soapbox, if anyone reads this I am interest in hearing what YOU think. Will killing OBL make a difference?