On veteran's day

“Honor to the soldier and sailor everywhere, who bravely bears his country's cause. Honor, also, to the citizen who cares for his brother in the field and serves, as he best can, the same cause.” 

 - Abraham Lincoln.

For some time I carried this weight.  Despite my six years in the US Department of Defense, working three months in Iraq in 2007, being one of the few women who wore civilian clothing - although we were given the option of wearing desert cammos that read "DoD Civilian" and then another couple years actually considered a US Army Civilian, and in both instances, carrying around an official identity card declaring me as accompanying the Armed Forces and subject to Geneva Conventions - I don't feel worthy of the title or honor of being called a veteran. 

 International Zone, Baghdad 2007

Sure I went to the same training as many of uniformed colleagues before I was shipped on the same military aircraft to the same desert destinations. Sure I cried when I thought about my uniformed friends who I could not save ... who died for this country, or those who had to leave their families behind (just as I was leaving mine behind), for service. When my unit went to a sponsored day of gratitude to the Armed Forces at Busch Gardens, I felt like a freeloader. 

Yes after six years of service I walked away, not sure what those six years had given me, and not sure what they would contribute to my future. 

In any case, I always feel immense pride at having served alongside my brave, self-less, uniformed brethren. Even for the short-term I did, usually behind multiple lines of defense if and when I was overseas with them. Every time Veterans Day comes around - I struggle with this mix of pride, shame, and egoism. I recognize all my friends who wore the uniform - and certainly I could have taken up the uniform; I also wonder how many other civilians like me, who served in the rear to support our troops or worked alongside them, feel the same way I do. 

I honor all our country's veterans, those in uniform, in the past, present, and future, and those who served alongside those in uniform to support our country's cause.

This dance...

I'm this restless energy, that wants to dance in the mountains, on ropes and my partner never begrudges me this dance. This partner faithfully belays me, cleans the gear, and sets the ropes for us to return to earth. And I realize how grateful I am, to this partner who never says no when I ask to dance on ropes, on mountains, even when my partner is in pain.

This partner who asks me about dancing down mountains, what shoes shall I wear?

This partner who asks me to dance the biggest mountain we ever encounter, so big we must sleep three nights in her cool arms and not feel thirst until we start the descent down her flanks in the beating southern sun.

And this partner who asks me to dance in these mountains, I have seen distantly, dreamt of, or heard terrifying tales of. These mountains this dance with ropes and wax slicken-ed sticks. This dance to connect, to feel how little I am, how big I am, how big we are, how infinite, expansive, and how limitless we can be.

Rush

I'm a fanatic about film, and this past year I wasn't feeling bothered to binge on the DC International Film fest. Instead I've been watching critics and what they say about films, as well as users, perusing the apps on rated films ... but I'm getting away, I really started this post to wax on what a fantastic movie Rush is. I rented it from RedBox and watched it twice. I want to own this movie. It's been so long since I've watched a movie, that I wanted to immediately see it again. Or scour the internet for actor interviews on what it took to make the film. The last time this happened to me was with Out of Sight. Rush, does better, and like Out of Sight doesn't neatly fit into one of Hollywood's genre - it feels more like an independent movie, where there is no clear cut good guy or bad guy. There are just emotions, relationships, and most of all passion, all of it tightly encased in fantastic cinematography, engaging script (Peter Morgan), amazing story, really good acting, and a wonderful sound track. Maybe what it most spoke to me in me is passion ... to be so passionate about something one risks their life. Even Chris Hemsworth who plays one of the leads says this film deals with not just why someone would pursue Formula One racing, but also mountain climbing (and other activities where you risk your life). Admittedly, I found the car scenes enjoyable too - I love fast cars, - almost more than a decade ago I dated a guy who was really into F1 and took me to the serpentine race track to spectate his own races. I enjoy books and films that say something about the human condition. Some I'll never watch again, or wait to re-read a couple years from the first go. This one I just want to watch on repeat over and over again.

Games

There I was on a varnished hardwood floor, barefoot, making aggressive eye contact with my opponent, the US title holder of women's lightweight Taekwondo champion. We had been intricately dancing, feints, complicated steps, goading the other to give up her tactics, strategies, and vulnerabilities. A muggy day outside in Detroit, my mother screamed in rage at the judges when they appropriately didn't score my big toe brushing the outside of her shoulder, but inappropriately scoring my opponent when she barely grazed my nose with her roundhouse. At black belt level, one had to prove and show impact. Head shots are the most obvious impact - the judges were familiar with her, not me, and were jittery to start scoring.

My insteps were taped, only single wrapped per regulation on a piece of foam cut from my first set of shin guards. My mouthpiece conformed to the roof of my mouth while also restricting the air flow I needed to execute an anaerobic combination of spinning, power, and high kicks for three 1 minute qualification rounds. I had tasted victory on my first match - my opponent's spirit and desire to finish gone after the first round and a half of my onslaught of combination double round house kicks to her flank (1 point each) finishing with a drop kick to her head (2 points). A week earlier I walked the lawn, receiving my Bachelors and celebrated that journey with my family and friends. With six days left until weigh-in, I fasted, jogged in as much clothing as I could, to sweat out the celebratory six pounds at the 2002 US Taekwondo Championships in Detroit. In the second match, I won't forget the taste of bile in the back of my throat, and I won't forget the journey that took me there (in front of a US defending champion) - 

getting knocked out a year and a half ago, my vision fading in and out in an ill-ventilated Richmond gymnasium, crying because I was scared and annoyed with myself. (The silver lining was getting closer to the tall dark handsome heavyweight on the Virginia team, as he doctored me with anti-pain medicine, care, and understanding). 

And then I came back for more, I placed and I went to my first US National Taekwondo Championship tournament in Cleveland. It had been a demonstration event at the Olympics and this year the stakes were higher, as it was rumored back in 2000 Taekwondo would become an Olympic medal sport. And so it did. Trying to get to the World Championships, cutting weight, lifting at the gym, six day work outs to include pummeling swinging heavy bags with my insteps and knuckles until they were raw, partner drills, sprints, long runs, endless practice sparring matches, bruises, and sprains. In 2004 I walked away from reaching the possibility of competing on the world athletic stage to represent the US in a different way. And now, 10 years later I watch in rapt attention the Olympic games. Those emotions, the athlete's families, the victories, the comeback, and my favorite - the underdog (go Slovenia!!!). To all who know, you can't be a champion if you don't ever begin.

San Juan Longing

It hasn't been enough to post pics of my recent trip to Silverton Mountain in Colorado. Three years ago I drove to Southwest Colorado in the winter to get mileage on my station wagon, ice axes, crampons, and my newly acquired alpine touring ski setup. I ended up skiing more than ice climbing. Even though I first witnessed the San Juans in college on a family vacation, it wouldn't be until 2009 that I returned,

And we're caught up - 2013!

This was a particularly challenging year - good and bad - maybe I'm accepting more - maybe I'm learning the best place to find my lightened moments is to stop avoiding my dark times.

January - Back from Montana - go on a few trips with good friends to New Hampshire to ice climb. Starting to see cracks in the recent caulking of my romantic relationship.

February - Committed to not just 'running away' - trying to solve the problems in the relationship. It was tough, but I'm glad we did it. Did a couple ice climbing trips to lighten the heaviness.

March - Acknowledgment and realization set in. Went to another life mind-set changing clinic - for skiing at the invitation of a caring friend in Alta, UT.

April - Went back to Utah, this time to climb at Indian Creek with two amazing women friends. Loved being in the desert in an amazing setting.

May - Went to the New, helped my high-school best friend prepare for her wedding - honored to be part of her ceremony.

June - Went to Peru with the family. For two weeks. It was the biggest challenge - being in an amazing country with amazing peaks and learning how to enjoy the moment, just looking at them, and nothing more :)

July - HERA Climb4Life! Third year in a row. Trained for a return to higher, more committing climbs.

August - Continued training - lots of pitches and days at Seneca, ended the month with a wet climbing trip to New Hampshire at Cannon Cliff.

September - Off to Seattle - hardest climb that made me use every ounce of mental, physical, emotional commitment and a lot more spirituality than I would've believe to go car-to-car in four days, with no water source for the first three days. Left the mountain still good friends with my partner.

October - Enjoyed fall climbing among the turning leaves in the East. Swore since my main objective of the year was complete, I didn't need to push myself. But still managed to get on a few climbs I couldn't get to the top of :) and that was ok.

November - Returned to Indian Creek. Fell, injured settled in for recovery. Sigh. Note to self to not ignore the voice coming from my belly - asking me how a 5 pitch desert tower at 5.10 was an appropriate rest day activity with a two hour approach on either end? Oh well, learning not to take it so hard on myself.

December - Focused on recovery, studying, although got in a couple ski days at the local Pennsylvania resort - despite physical therapists admonishment. Tried ice climbing again end of the month. Had a little bit to go before back in my usual condition and shape.

2012 in Review

2011 was a year for big transitions, from not working, to the anxiety of being jobless and needing the security of a salaried gig.

2012 - was perhaps about getting more settled - and perhaps seeing after I wrote the summaries - of giving myself healthy doses of mountains:

January - Ice climbing for New Years, and the long weekend holidays. It was nice to spend that time on the road with good friends.

February - Itching for adventure, especially after a marathon run of Banff Mountain Filmfest screening at the National Geographic, hopped on a plane with all my ice climbing equipment, prepared to beg, bribe, and sweet talk my way into ice climbing partnerships. Luckily, the IME icefest organizers let me squeeze into two fantastic clinics with Freddie Wilkinson and Mark Synnott. Went to Utah to ski- Snowbasin and Snowbird. Maybe I should have taken that as a sign my itch to be in the mountains would not be appeased.

March - Epic ski trip to Hokkaido, Japan. Amazing backcountry/side-country skiing - open bowl skiing followed by long soaks in mineral hot springs. Unfortunately blew my knee on my fourth day out. I had stretched it out plenty by trying to rid myself of a cold I caught on the flight over. Unfortunately returned a couple days earlier to seek medical treatment.

April - Yea - back in physical therapy. Got into a relationship. Did my annual international film fest binge in D.C. Took a pretty amazing climbing clinic that changed my head - Trad Mental Camp.

May - Gunks, New York City, a small turbo prop flight where they promoted me to captain and promptly fell asleep - thankfully the co-pilot was on it! My first visit to Oregon, sea-side whale sightings, Wilmette Valley Pinot Noir, micro-brews in rainy Bend, Smith Rocks climbing.

June - With a bum knee, started taking opera singing lesson. Yes, opera singing lessons :) Please don't ask me to sing though.

July - Rockclimbing in North Conway, mostly Cathedral. Fighting urges to flee a relationship - learned about working it out like adults, being vulnerable and not blaming.

August - My journey into alternative therapies, catalyzed by a surprise allergic reaction and lack of immediate specialist appointment, sought the acupuncturist. Got the first glimmer of hope I could recover my right ankle to climb harder, longer, and go back to mountaineering/ alpine climbing.

September - the usual Fall climbing, weddings, quick East-side trips.

October - Went to Yosemite - awesome to return and climb! Met some amazing people in an amazing setting. Inspired, totally inspired.

November - A few bits of local climbing - with locally born and raised climbers - enjoying the changing of the season, family-time.

December - took off on a one-month unpaid sabbatical to Montana. Drove through the northern states. Spent time in Bozeman for the icefest, climbing in Hyalite Canyon, and then the rest of the time in Big Sky, skiing at Moonlight and Big Sky. Finished out Christmas in Wyoming, skiing at the epic Jackson Hole.

The years have passed and where have my 'plans' gone ...

The old years in review. I'm sometimes surprised how long I've stayed in one place. Going back the to San Juans of SW Colorado rekindled something in me - maybe that promise to take off West. I cried for an hour the day after my plane left. I was secretly hoping United would have cancelled my flight and I would've had to stay in SW Colorado another day or two. But it didn't so here are the years I didn't post

2011 - What a doozy, when my great road trip ended and life back in the rat race began.

January - spent a month in the San Juans of SW Colorado - predominantly living in Ouray. On the way stopped in West Virginia Snowshoe for some night skiing and the Bourbon trail in Kentucky. Our next stop was in Denver at a friend's, and then a stop in Breckenridge, and then some godforsaken Motel 6 - maybe just outside of Grand Junction, on the way to Ouray. Discovered backcountry powder skiing at Red Mountain Pass, took ski lessons at Telluride, spent a few days with friends in Crested Butte. Took a five day hut tour among the Burn and Ridgeway huts in the San Juans - became so hooked on backcountry skiing - swore to learn to ski all kinds of mountain terrain in any and every condition, and probably never come back to Colorado just to ice climb.

February - returned to the Front Range, stayed another night in Denver, checked out Loveland, a second time at Breckenridge and Copper Mountain. I drove back through a Rocky Mountain snow storm. Eventually left the storm in Kansas city. Crashed in St. Louis. Drove straight to D.C. A week after Valentine's day got dumped.

March - Started earnestly looking for a job. Interviewed and accepted a job as an outdoor climbing instructor for REI. Started the dance to get a salaried office job. Ice climbed in the Adirondacks and fell of the second pitch of Multiplication Gulley, a 240' New England ice climb. Began the saga of right foot restoration. Went back to Crested Butte. Craiglisted a ride from Denver to Buena Vista, skied at Arapahoe Basin, met two road-tripping friends and skied at Crested Butte for a few awesome days.

April - rock climbed with friends back in the mid-Atlantic. Did some pre-employment training. Accepted an offer from the big company.

May - started work at the big company. Worked a lot. Went on a few climbing trips to the Gunks and the New River Gorge.

June - Lots of work - went to Atlanta for a brief moment.

July - First year participating in HERA Climb4Life

August - Lots of employer subsidized rehabbing the right ankle and a broken heart.

September - Trip to climb Mt. Shuksan, Washington - realized the foot may not heal the way I hoped.

October - Lots of volunteer climbing events, for Wounded Warrior, spent time at Seneca Rocks, Red River Gorge, had lots of fun - did some easier fun climbing.

November - Continued to appreciate being back home and seeing good friends.

December - Returned to the Front Range of Colorado - Vail specifically - in a fairly low-snow season.