2014 reflection

I'm big on the lists and that's really all I've been posting. Here it goes just to catch us up before I do a review of 2015.

January 2014 -   I read about an idea - instead of making New Year's resolutions, choose guiding words. So in an experiment I decided to choose vulnerability, romance, and daughter as my three guarding words for 2014.  Recovered from a left ankle sprain, a displaced rib, and a concussion I greeted 2014 in New Hampshire ice climbing. What was more cool was spending time with old friends in the White Mountains.  I also took a professional certification exam. And in the excitement of seeing a report for fresh powder I booked a trip to Silverton in Colorado. By the time I got there the snow conditions were the most challenging I had ever experienced - wind slab, breakable crust, ice, and exposed rocks. In any case I fell back in love with the San Juans.

February -  went to my favorite ice climbing festival in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Enjoyed climbing Repentence.  Last summer I had been noticing that I was having issues with my menstrual cycle. It had gotten so bad, I started planning trips around my period. I only told a few close friends but I had no idea this was going to be the year where I was going to try to figure out how to live with a chronic issue. A doctor confirmed I had a uterine fibroid. End of the month I went to Alta for a whole week where I got to ski with one of my closest friends and with my mental coach. I also got to do a little bit of backcountry skiing.

March -  it was a wet and quiet month. Started work with a new client - turned out to be quite heavy in terms of how much time I put into the office.

April -  tired of having some successful years in the mountains  and then having other years where I was injured and on the couch I decided to embark on a structured training regimen.

May -  went to the Cascades. Our initial goal was the North Ridge of Mount Baker. What we found was way too much snow and the road barely cleared.  Not having the equipment for snow travel we changed our plans and climbed the Tooth, which also had a lot of snow. We went to Leavenworth for some multi pitch cragging. We witnessed a climbing accident where my climbing partner held a young man's lower leg in traction where he had tib fib fracture. After that trip I went to the Red River Gorge were my friends had rented a cabin. We had a lot of fun although I probably did not climb that much because I felt like resting after coming back from the Cascades. I also started recognizing that the problems I was having with my menstrual cycle and the fibroid was now cutting into my work and whether I even left the house that day!

June - embarked on a new cycle of the training plan this time to prepare for climbing in the Tetons. Went to the Gunks and Seneca a lot for a lot of multipitch climbing.

July - kept training by myself and dissatisfied at work so I signed up for a community college course thinking I might go back to school for another degree.

August -  training and working

September -  my Tetons partner had to bow out to have surgery so I went by myself and linked up with a guide and we climbed for three days together. We had some pretty ambitious objectives which we fell short of. I don't really regret it because I learned a lot and I plan to come back.  The project at work ran out of contract funding, which was a relief because then I got to move on to work that was a lot more engaging.

October -  I saw an ad for a drug study to treat uterine fibroids. Being a participant in the drug study ended up causing me a lot more trauma then my actual condition. I ended up in the ER, on narcotic pain medications, even bedridden for three days in incredible pain and it took me an entire month to recover.

November -  The study was having trouble finding enough participants and so I agreed to give it another go. I had to go through some invasive tests and one of the drugs they gave me, I ended up having a severe reaction to.  Once again I ended up close to going to the emergency room, bedridden for three days, and settling in for another month long recovery. My other options were to have surgery. It still amazes me how uterine fibroids, which affects as many as 60% of women in the United States is rarely discussed and there's little research to discover it's cause. A cursory search on government websites generally point out most women with uterine fibroids are asymptomatic, yet they are the cause of a majority of hysterectomies and for some women present fertility issues. The second week of November I went up to new England to ice climb. Unfortunately not even 40 minutes into the trailhead I had to turn around because of extremely severe abdominal pain. It was so bad I just wanted to curl into a fetal position on the side of the trail and vomit.  At the end of the month I went to Costa Rica with my family it was nice to relax and catch up on rest.

December - having begun to recover from my miss adventures with medical health studies I went on a week and a half week trip to Ouray, Colorado. It was great to see friends, ice climb and ski. And fitting to return to where I was the first month of 2014. 

Gone Girl Film

Old post from November 2014 I didn't publish until now:

I saw "Gone Girl" in the theater last night. It was better than I expected. I wanted to see it because of all the divisive and polarized commentary in newspapers. New York Post would have you believe that you shouldn't take it seriously, it's just entertainment, and it's a thriller. As a film goer I found "Gone Girl" relate-able even if horrifying, like Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale.

Who's the victim, the hapless adulterer husband, or the woman who was told be everything she could be but once within the confines of marriage, must be less than herself? So she pulls off the most ridiculous coup - it became apparent to me she escapes from one jail cell to another. Resentment comes from refusing to acknowledge our own complicity in owning a set of the prison keys.

Some critics say this film doesn't say anything about modern marriage. Hmm, not so sure about that. According to a November 2014 Elle issue article, almost 25% of marriages are ones where the woman has more earning power than her husband, and those marriages end most likely in divorce. Also there was a time marriage was about family alliances, taking care of a woman who many not have useful skills outside the home, the roles of husband and wife were very clear. Now, a woman doesn't need security from a man depending on where she's from and what she's capable of. Marriage for her, is a liability.

Certainly the film is melodramatic, it's 2 and a half hours long and not having read the book, I'm sure misses some serious character development points. For example if Amy is a true psychopath, how is it she has no friends? Or if she is so accomplished, again how does she not have friends? The things I wonder about.

Integrity to others vs. Integrity to Self

There's a ruthlessness in the choices I make. Up until recently, I haven't felt particularly negative about the life choices I've made: separating from the U.S. government, moving in with my mom, working part time for a reduced salary, and making it known I prioritize situations where I have an avenue to the mountains. Until recently. I gave someone my word and then I broke it. Circumstances changed between when I gave my word and when I decided I had to break my word. It was a choice between keeping my word, which I value as a part of what I believe is a characteristic I have: deep integrity, and another conflicting characteristic I have, which is commitment to my true self. So my true self is someone who will break her promise to ensure a way to make it easier to get into the mountains. Integrity ranks lower in my personality scale than being unfettered and uncommitted to convention. Sounds paradoxical and hypocritical right? Commitment to myself and my desired lifestyle over commitment to integrity and trust.

I wrote the above post three months ago. The funny thing about this life, is I'm eating my words. I've committed now to moving out, reducing my expendable income. I'm okay with that. Two months ago I summitted a mountain where the uncertainty of even going to the top were paramount on just the last 140 feet of the summit's ridge. I was stoked - it meant the higher peaks of the Himalayas were a possibility. And if I could fit the pieces of training, income, interesting work for income, experience, and partnerships - none mutually exclusive - that goal was attainable - and with patience - maybe in even a couple years.