The last few posts had been sitting in my draft folders. They were not actually recent as the posts are.
I am battling with fear. I am taught by society, it should be a battle. After a ski mindset clinic in 2013, I learned to use fear as a tool. Very useful when skiing a scary line, or dealing with the unknown pitches of rock climbing before me. Thus, I let my fear out of the basement when I knew it would enhance my athletic performance. The clarity and focus fear brought to me as I peered over the inches of ski tips delicately balanced over a cornice drop that had a steep run out or when I saw nothing but flaring finger tips in a narrow damp crack, several feet below was my last anchor only to bust out in an overhanging section of a wide hands traverse where I could get in a larger anchor to clip my rope to safety from a catastrophic fall.
Exhilaration, breaking personal records on rock and snow.
However, I seemed to be getting regressive in my personal life, in romantic relationships, and possibly my relationship to myself. I put it in the basement when it came to finding myself attracted to someone. How couldn't I?
My first committed relationship in college, which lasted five month, used to tell me he wish I wouldn't talk in front of his friends. He saw me as a 'hot date' to take to his fraternity functions. His friends were concerned about me - concerned about the way he would physically pin me down to restrain me for no apparent reason, concerned about the way he blamed me for any mishap.
My next boyfriend who was angling for a suburban life with children identified. After a year of ups and downs with me he knew better than I that I was not interested in any of that. He didn't tell me I was undateable - but he highlighted I was different from other women in their young 20's.
It took me another six years before I let myself fall for someone and be in a relationship. He broke up with me saying he didn't see us getting married and wasn't interested in any further discussion.
In a quick turnaround, I started dating someone who was a self-professed practicing Buddhist. After a year of dating, we ended our relationship when he told me he wanted me to change.
The last two men I fell in love with, I didn't even bother to tell I was in love. I had already left. We had already said our goodbyes. Isn't that sad?
How could I recognize love? I grew up with a family of immigrants. Love is conditional. It's based on the grades I got in school, the universities I was accepted into, the scholarships I received. The job title I had, my pay grade, and the name of the organization I worked for.
I repressed fear in my personal life. To a heavy cost - not just my personal romantic relationships but to my health. Benign tumor growth, a hyper sensitive immune system, allergies to everything in the natural world, mysterious gastric ailments that specialists couldn't figure out - maybe gluten intolerance? I found myself with worse injuries than I had encountered before - lasting concussions, more sprained joints, dislocated ribs, torn shoulder. I was fighting the core of my being when it came to my personal relationships. How do I turn this around?
I am battling with fear. I am taught by society, it should be a battle. After a ski mindset clinic in 2013, I learned to use fear as a tool. Very useful when skiing a scary line, or dealing with the unknown pitches of rock climbing before me. Thus, I let my fear out of the basement when I knew it would enhance my athletic performance. The clarity and focus fear brought to me as I peered over the inches of ski tips delicately balanced over a cornice drop that had a steep run out or when I saw nothing but flaring finger tips in a narrow damp crack, several feet below was my last anchor only to bust out in an overhanging section of a wide hands traverse where I could get in a larger anchor to clip my rope to safety from a catastrophic fall.
Exhilaration, breaking personal records on rock and snow.
However, I seemed to be getting regressive in my personal life, in romantic relationships, and possibly my relationship to myself. I put it in the basement when it came to finding myself attracted to someone. How couldn't I?
My first committed relationship in college, which lasted five month, used to tell me he wish I wouldn't talk in front of his friends. He saw me as a 'hot date' to take to his fraternity functions. His friends were concerned about me - concerned about the way he would physically pin me down to restrain me for no apparent reason, concerned about the way he blamed me for any mishap.
My next boyfriend who was angling for a suburban life with children identified. After a year of ups and downs with me he knew better than I that I was not interested in any of that. He didn't tell me I was undateable - but he highlighted I was different from other women in their young 20's.
It took me another six years before I let myself fall for someone and be in a relationship. He broke up with me saying he didn't see us getting married and wasn't interested in any further discussion.
In a quick turnaround, I started dating someone who was a self-professed practicing Buddhist. After a year of dating, we ended our relationship when he told me he wanted me to change.
The last two men I fell in love with, I didn't even bother to tell I was in love. I had already left. We had already said our goodbyes. Isn't that sad?
How could I recognize love? I grew up with a family of immigrants. Love is conditional. It's based on the grades I got in school, the universities I was accepted into, the scholarships I received. The job title I had, my pay grade, and the name of the organization I worked for.
I repressed fear in my personal life. To a heavy cost - not just my personal romantic relationships but to my health. Benign tumor growth, a hyper sensitive immune system, allergies to everything in the natural world, mysterious gastric ailments that specialists couldn't figure out - maybe gluten intolerance? I found myself with worse injuries than I had encountered before - lasting concussions, more sprained joints, dislocated ribs, torn shoulder. I was fighting the core of my being when it came to my personal relationships. How do I turn this around?
