I think if I catch up to the years, months, weeks, days I have not written in this blog, I can finally write about what's on my mind. So many things to write about. The month of May found me sleeping on the ground for nine days in three different locations:

Yosemite, CA
Panjshir Province, Afghanistan
New River Gorge, West Virginia

Today I remembered how to cook something ... barely ... the turkey breast is a little tough. I signed up for a yoga class. I wanted to remember one of the many topics that have been swimming through my head that I should blog out. But now that I'm writing, they all escape me. Today I wrote a ten page trip report on Afghan Ascend's expedition to Panjshir Valley. Much of it I won't publish, and maybe a sentence or two in it is for my eyes only. But here's a raw excerpt, unedited, unfiltered:

Prepared for the gate to Kabul (DXB)

Going to Kabul in May, a city still battling with a foe reluctant to acquiesce power, the Taliban - was not something unusual for me. What was unusual was I was going to a city at war, without the accouterments I had when I flew into Baghdad in 2007. There was no military airplane, I was not surrounded by armed soldiers, I had no Kevlar body armor nor did I have a side-arm for personal protection. My security relied solely on my anonymity. I’m not sure how a 5 foot 9 tall woman with two large duffels and an expedition pack arriving into Hamid Karzai International Airport with a U.S. passport could escape attention. The threat to foreigners was first from kidnappers seeking ransom and next the Taliban. Before arriving in Kabul, I was cognizant of not setting any expectations of Afghanistan, I was trying to be aware of what emotional and psychological baggage I might bring. I did not want to affect the Afghan Ascend program by suddenly freezing in place or running for shelter if I heard a car exhaust backfire. Maybe that seems unlikely, but it didn’t take long for anyone who spent enough time with me after I returned from Baghdad that I might have had a slight touch of PTSD. I thought the first thing Kabul would remind me of was being in back in Baghdad. National-level conflict is in my DNA.

2015

January 2015 -   In January, I chose compassion, enough, and generosity as my guiding words. I went ice climbing at Smugglers Notch in Vermont which was a new location for me. I also headed to the Catskills at the end of January.

February -  did ice climbing trips to Mount Washington Valley ice fest and to the Adirondacks -annual trips for me. I also started seeking answers to why I had a uterine fibroid and why mine was affecting me as badly as it was. I had been experimenting with different diets - cutting down on foods that had estrogen or might contribute hormones from inorganic pesticides, I sought the help of a professional nutritionist.  I also started examining beliefs I had. A book recommended to me by several women, including a gynecologist, emphasized how a woman's emotions and beliefs are very much connected to her health. Hidden deep within my psyche, despite being a strong, driven woman who appeared comfortable in a man's world, I had grown up and continued to secretly believe (so secretly I didn't know it) in the shame of being a woman, of being a sexual person. It was something I had to contend with and examine. This uterine fibroid, not only made being a woman very difficult for me, it also was taking away something society values, my ability to conceive a child.  I wanted to treat the fibroid like it was a foreign entity but like some diseases that don't have a cure, it was my own body, seeming to betray me. Perhaps it was a physical manifestations of something I'm in denial of. Of beliefs I do not acknowledge or something I don't accept about myself. I had to start uncovering these beliefs about myself. 

March - The beginning of the month I snuck in a weekend trip to Alta Utah and was rewarded with several days of powder. I went on a week long backcountry ski hut trip in the Tetons. My menstrual cycle was scheduled to start at the beginning of the trip and I was nervous about how things would go. I had changed my diet according to a nutritionist, and in a little bit of disbelief started noticing that my periods were less painful, shorter, and less heavy. This trend was to continue.  I decided yes to climbing Denali in June with one of my favorite climbing partners and mentor. 

April -  lots of training for Denali. My symptoms seemed to keep getting better. 

May -  more training. I would go to the new River Gorge and instead of rockclimbing I would put on my double mountaineering boots and go up and down the stairs at Kaymoor mines. I went to Denver to pre-acclimate and then to Crested Butte to Leadville. I was extremely thankful my work was flexible and allowed me to telework so I could be well-prepared for my expedition. 

June -  and I was off to Alaska! What a journey. I should definitely post a trip report on this blog. 

July -  coming back from Alaska I was immediately thrown into a very busy time at work. Working on proposals before my trip to Alaska, I returned to find out that some of my proposals had been awarded. In a short amount of time I was tasked to build six project teams, train and coach new hires, do the client work and additional proposals.  I told my bosses at work I intended to go on another expedition in September to the former Soviet states of Georgia and Armenia.  For Fourth of July instead of joining my friends rockclimbing in West Virginia and Kentucky, I found a deal to go to the Mayan Riviera in Mexico. I had a wonderful time catching up on sleep, soaking up sun, and relaxing. 

August -  I moved out of my mother's.  I am still adjusting to paying five times the rent I'm used to.

September -  what a contrast to go from living with my mother to living in an apartment by myself and then to having every meal with nearly 14 people every day for 17 days. I made lots of friends and lots of memories with those friends. This trip is still having an effect on me - and those connections I made help me realize how incredibly good a shared passion is for building community. 

October -  A little too enthusiastic about getting back into rockclimbing I pushed myself way too hard before I was conditioned for it. I am learning how training to be a mountaineer impacts being a technical rockclimber.  I learned I'll have to be careful with my choices. I'm not going be an amazing backcountry skier, technical alpine rock climber, mixed climber, mountaineer, and ice climber in the same year without being bad at most of those things - or get injured trying.  Right, guiding word - compassion - for myself.

November - Felt my energy come back. I didn't realize how fatiguing two expeditions and the amount of work I had taken on affected me. A prescription for physical therapy and realizing I couldn't even run due to pain motivated me to get healthy.  I took two classes with two people I admire greatly. One was a workshop with Steve House and Scott Johnston, the authors of Training for the New Alpinism. They helped me understand how to build a training plan and more importantly assess where my fitness was and give me the tools to assess where I needed to build additional strengths and capacity.  I took another clinic on ice climbing for two days with Will Gadd - literally a grandmaster of modern ice climbing. He help me learn new techniques reinforce lessons I should retain and was very kind about my injury.

December - cleared to start climbing again, I started making forays to the climbing gym. Even had a couple days planned to climb outside, but El Nino in the East meant that was not to be. Otherwise, I did sort of my year-end/beginning thing. Went to Ouray! This place has so much significance for me. It was one of my first trips after deploying a second time to the Middle East - a re-acculturation to the West again. And then I chose to live in Ouray one winter (2011) while jobless and learned to ski. I came back two years ago, and it reminds me of all the changes I've been making to my life, from the path set before for 20+ years to the way I'm trying to move this large ship that has become my life .. tossing things I don't need overboard, sacrificing other things that weigh me down, and trying to be aware of all the new things I feel and think about all these changes. Ouray reminds me I don't have to live on the course I thought was set for me when I was seventeen, or twenty-four, or even twenty-eight. Interacting with all the old friends and the new ones in this little mining and adventure town, who have chosen different paths themselves, reminds me life is full of possibilities, as long as I'm open to them.

2014 reflection

I'm big on the lists and that's really all I've been posting. Here it goes just to catch us up before I do a review of 2015.

January 2014 -   I read about an idea - instead of making New Year's resolutions, choose guiding words. So in an experiment I decided to choose vulnerability, romance, and daughter as my three guarding words for 2014.  Recovered from a left ankle sprain, a displaced rib, and a concussion I greeted 2014 in New Hampshire ice climbing. What was more cool was spending time with old friends in the White Mountains.  I also took a professional certification exam. And in the excitement of seeing a report for fresh powder I booked a trip to Silverton in Colorado. By the time I got there the snow conditions were the most challenging I had ever experienced - wind slab, breakable crust, ice, and exposed rocks. In any case I fell back in love with the San Juans.

February -  went to my favorite ice climbing festival in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Enjoyed climbing Repentence.  Last summer I had been noticing that I was having issues with my menstrual cycle. It had gotten so bad, I started planning trips around my period. I only told a few close friends but I had no idea this was going to be the year where I was going to try to figure out how to live with a chronic issue. A doctor confirmed I had a uterine fibroid. End of the month I went to Alta for a whole week where I got to ski with one of my closest friends and with my mental coach. I also got to do a little bit of backcountry skiing.

March -  it was a wet and quiet month. Started work with a new client - turned out to be quite heavy in terms of how much time I put into the office.

April -  tired of having some successful years in the mountains  and then having other years where I was injured and on the couch I decided to embark on a structured training regimen.

May -  went to the Cascades. Our initial goal was the North Ridge of Mount Baker. What we found was way too much snow and the road barely cleared.  Not having the equipment for snow travel we changed our plans and climbed the Tooth, which also had a lot of snow. We went to Leavenworth for some multi pitch cragging. We witnessed a climbing accident where my climbing partner held a young man's lower leg in traction where he had tib fib fracture. After that trip I went to the Red River Gorge were my friends had rented a cabin. We had a lot of fun although I probably did not climb that much because I felt like resting after coming back from the Cascades. I also started recognizing that the problems I was having with my menstrual cycle and the fibroid was now cutting into my work and whether I even left the house that day!

June - embarked on a new cycle of the training plan this time to prepare for climbing in the Tetons. Went to the Gunks and Seneca a lot for a lot of multipitch climbing.

July - kept training by myself and dissatisfied at work so I signed up for a community college course thinking I might go back to school for another degree.

August -  training and working

September -  my Tetons partner had to bow out to have surgery so I went by myself and linked up with a guide and we climbed for three days together. We had some pretty ambitious objectives which we fell short of. I don't really regret it because I learned a lot and I plan to come back.  The project at work ran out of contract funding, which was a relief because then I got to move on to work that was a lot more engaging.

October -  I saw an ad for a drug study to treat uterine fibroids. Being a participant in the drug study ended up causing me a lot more trauma then my actual condition. I ended up in the ER, on narcotic pain medications, even bedridden for three days in incredible pain and it took me an entire month to recover.

November -  The study was having trouble finding enough participants and so I agreed to give it another go. I had to go through some invasive tests and one of the drugs they gave me, I ended up having a severe reaction to.  Once again I ended up close to going to the emergency room, bedridden for three days, and settling in for another month long recovery. My other options were to have surgery. It still amazes me how uterine fibroids, which affects as many as 60% of women in the United States is rarely discussed and there's little research to discover it's cause. A cursory search on government websites generally point out most women with uterine fibroids are asymptomatic, yet they are the cause of a majority of hysterectomies and for some women present fertility issues. The second week of November I went up to new England to ice climb. Unfortunately not even 40 minutes into the trailhead I had to turn around because of extremely severe abdominal pain. It was so bad I just wanted to curl into a fetal position on the side of the trail and vomit.  At the end of the month I went to Costa Rica with my family it was nice to relax and catch up on rest.

December - having begun to recover from my miss adventures with medical health studies I went on a week and a half week trip to Ouray, Colorado. It was great to see friends, ice climb and ski. And fitting to return to where I was the first month of 2014. 

Gone Girl Film

Old post from November 2014 I didn't publish until now:

I saw "Gone Girl" in the theater last night. It was better than I expected. I wanted to see it because of all the divisive and polarized commentary in newspapers. New York Post would have you believe that you shouldn't take it seriously, it's just entertainment, and it's a thriller. As a film goer I found "Gone Girl" relate-able even if horrifying, like Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale.

Who's the victim, the hapless adulterer husband, or the woman who was told be everything she could be but once within the confines of marriage, must be less than herself? So she pulls off the most ridiculous coup - it became apparent to me she escapes from one jail cell to another. Resentment comes from refusing to acknowledge our own complicity in owning a set of the prison keys.

Some critics say this film doesn't say anything about modern marriage. Hmm, not so sure about that. According to a November 2014 Elle issue article, almost 25% of marriages are ones where the woman has more earning power than her husband, and those marriages end most likely in divorce. Also there was a time marriage was about family alliances, taking care of a woman who many not have useful skills outside the home, the roles of husband and wife were very clear. Now, a woman doesn't need security from a man depending on where she's from and what she's capable of. Marriage for her, is a liability.

Certainly the film is melodramatic, it's 2 and a half hours long and not having read the book, I'm sure misses some serious character development points. For example if Amy is a true psychopath, how is it she has no friends? Or if she is so accomplished, again how does she not have friends? The things I wonder about.

Integrity to others vs. Integrity to Self

There's a ruthlessness in the choices I make. Up until recently, I haven't felt particularly negative about the life choices I've made: separating from the U.S. government, moving in with my mom, working part time for a reduced salary, and making it known I prioritize situations where I have an avenue to the mountains. Until recently. I gave someone my word and then I broke it. Circumstances changed between when I gave my word and when I decided I had to break my word. It was a choice between keeping my word, which I value as a part of what I believe is a characteristic I have: deep integrity, and another conflicting characteristic I have, which is commitment to my true self. So my true self is someone who will break her promise to ensure a way to make it easier to get into the mountains. Integrity ranks lower in my personality scale than being unfettered and uncommitted to convention. Sounds paradoxical and hypocritical right? Commitment to myself and my desired lifestyle over commitment to integrity and trust.

I wrote the above post three months ago. The funny thing about this life, is I'm eating my words. I've committed now to moving out, reducing my expendable income. I'm okay with that. Two months ago I summitted a mountain where the uncertainty of even going to the top were paramount on just the last 140 feet of the summit's ridge. I was stoked - it meant the higher peaks of the Himalayas were a possibility. And if I could fit the pieces of training, income, interesting work for income, experience, and partnerships - none mutually exclusive - that goal was attainable - and with patience - maybe in even a couple years.

On veteran's day

“Honor to the soldier and sailor everywhere, who bravely bears his country's cause. Honor, also, to the citizen who cares for his brother in the field and serves, as he best can, the same cause.” 

 - Abraham Lincoln.

For some time I carried this weight.  Despite my six years in the US Department of Defense, working three months in Iraq in 2007, being one of the few women who wore civilian clothing - although we were given the option of wearing desert cammos that read "DoD Civilian" and then another couple years actually considered a US Army Civilian, and in both instances, carrying around an official identity card declaring me as accompanying the Armed Forces and subject to Geneva Conventions - I don't feel worthy of the title or honor of being called a veteran. 

 International Zone, Baghdad 2007

Sure I went to the same training as many of uniformed colleagues before I was shipped on the same military aircraft to the same desert destinations. Sure I cried when I thought about my uniformed friends who I could not save ... who died for this country, or those who had to leave their families behind (just as I was leaving mine behind), for service. When my unit went to a sponsored day of gratitude to the Armed Forces at Busch Gardens, I felt like a freeloader. 

Yes after six years of service I walked away, not sure what those six years had given me, and not sure what they would contribute to my future. 

In any case, I always feel immense pride at having served alongside my brave, self-less, uniformed brethren. Even for the short-term I did, usually behind multiple lines of defense if and when I was overseas with them. Every time Veterans Day comes around - I struggle with this mix of pride, shame, and egoism. I recognize all my friends who wore the uniform - and certainly I could have taken up the uniform; I also wonder how many other civilians like me, who served in the rear to support our troops or worked alongside them, feel the same way I do. 

I honor all our country's veterans, those in uniform, in the past, present, and future, and those who served alongside those in uniform to support our country's cause.

This dance...

I'm this restless energy, that wants to dance in the mountains, on ropes and my partner never begrudges me this dance. This partner faithfully belays me, cleans the gear, and sets the ropes for us to return to earth. And I realize how grateful I am, to this partner who never says no when I ask to dance on ropes, on mountains, even when my partner is in pain.

This partner who asks me about dancing down mountains, what shoes shall I wear?

This partner who asks me to dance the biggest mountain we ever encounter, so big we must sleep three nights in her cool arms and not feel thirst until we start the descent down her flanks in the beating southern sun.

And this partner who asks me to dance in these mountains, I have seen distantly, dreamt of, or heard terrifying tales of. These mountains this dance with ropes and wax slicken-ed sticks. This dance to connect, to feel how little I am, how big I am, how big we are, how infinite, expansive, and how limitless we can be.

Rush

I'm a fanatic about film, and this past year I wasn't feeling bothered to binge on the DC International Film fest. Instead I've been watching critics and what they say about films, as well as users, perusing the apps on rated films ... but I'm getting away, I really started this post to wax on what a fantastic movie Rush is. I rented it from RedBox and watched it twice. I want to own this movie. It's been so long since I've watched a movie, that I wanted to immediately see it again. Or scour the internet for actor interviews on what it took to make the film. The last time this happened to me was with Out of Sight. Rush, does better, and like Out of Sight doesn't neatly fit into one of Hollywood's genre - it feels more like an independent movie, where there is no clear cut good guy or bad guy. There are just emotions, relationships, and most of all passion, all of it tightly encased in fantastic cinematography, engaging script (Peter Morgan), amazing story, really good acting, and a wonderful sound track. Maybe what it most spoke to me in me is passion ... to be so passionate about something one risks their life. Even Chris Hemsworth who plays one of the leads says this film deals with not just why someone would pursue Formula One racing, but also mountain climbing (and other activities where you risk your life). Admittedly, I found the car scenes enjoyable too - I love fast cars, - almost more than a decade ago I dated a guy who was really into F1 and took me to the serpentine race track to spectate his own races. I enjoy books and films that say something about the human condition. Some I'll never watch again, or wait to re-read a couple years from the first go. This one I just want to watch on repeat over and over again.

Games

There I was on a varnished hardwood floor, barefoot, making aggressive eye contact with my opponent, the US title holder of women's lightweight Taekwondo champion. We had been intricately dancing, feints, complicated steps, goading the other to give up her tactics, strategies, and vulnerabilities. A muggy day outside in Detroit, my mother screamed in rage at the judges when they appropriately didn't score my big toe brushing the outside of her shoulder, but inappropriately scoring my opponent when she barely grazed my nose with her roundhouse. At black belt level, one had to prove and show impact. Head shots are the most obvious impact - the judges were familiar with her, not me, and were jittery to start scoring.

My insteps were taped, only single wrapped per regulation on a piece of foam cut from my first set of shin guards. My mouthpiece conformed to the roof of my mouth while also restricting the air flow I needed to execute an anaerobic combination of spinning, power, and high kicks for three 1 minute qualification rounds. I had tasted victory on my first match - my opponent's spirit and desire to finish gone after the first round and a half of my onslaught of combination double round house kicks to her flank (1 point each) finishing with a drop kick to her head (2 points). A week earlier I walked the lawn, receiving my Bachelors and celebrated that journey with my family and friends. With six days left until weigh-in, I fasted, jogged in as much clothing as I could, to sweat out the celebratory six pounds at the 2002 US Taekwondo Championships in Detroit. In the second match, I won't forget the taste of bile in the back of my throat, and I won't forget the journey that took me there (in front of a US defending champion) - 

getting knocked out a year and a half ago, my vision fading in and out in an ill-ventilated Richmond gymnasium, crying because I was scared and annoyed with myself. (The silver lining was getting closer to the tall dark handsome heavyweight on the Virginia team, as he doctored me with anti-pain medicine, care, and understanding). 

And then I came back for more, I placed and I went to my first US National Taekwondo Championship tournament in Cleveland. It had been a demonstration event at the Olympics and this year the stakes were higher, as it was rumored back in 2000 Taekwondo would become an Olympic medal sport. And so it did. Trying to get to the World Championships, cutting weight, lifting at the gym, six day work outs to include pummeling swinging heavy bags with my insteps and knuckles until they were raw, partner drills, sprints, long runs, endless practice sparring matches, bruises, and sprains. In 2004 I walked away from reaching the possibility of competing on the world athletic stage to represent the US in a different way. And now, 10 years later I watch in rapt attention the Olympic games. Those emotions, the athlete's families, the victories, the comeback, and my favorite - the underdog (go Slovenia!!!). To all who know, you can't be a champion if you don't ever begin.

San Juan Longing

It hasn't been enough to post pics of my recent trip to Silverton Mountain in Colorado. Three years ago I drove to Southwest Colorado in the winter to get mileage on my station wagon, ice axes, crampons, and my newly acquired alpine touring ski setup. I ended up skiing more than ice climbing. Even though I first witnessed the San Juans in college on a family vacation, it wouldn't be until 2009 that I returned,

And we're caught up - 2013!

This was a particularly challenging year - good and bad - maybe I'm accepting more - maybe I'm learning the best place to find my lightened moments is to stop avoiding my dark times.

January - Back from Montana - go on a few trips with good friends to New Hampshire to ice climb. Starting to see cracks in the recent caulking of my romantic relationship.

February - Committed to not just 'running away' - trying to solve the problems in the relationship. It was tough, but I'm glad we did it. Did a couple ice climbing trips to lighten the heaviness.

March - Acknowledgment and realization set in. Went to another life mind-set changing clinic - for skiing at the invitation of a caring friend in Alta, UT.

April - Went back to Utah, this time to climb at Indian Creek with two amazing women friends. Loved being in the desert in an amazing setting.

May - Went to the New, helped my high-school best friend prepare for her wedding - honored to be part of her ceremony.

June - Went to Peru with the family. For two weeks. It was the biggest challenge - being in an amazing country with amazing peaks and learning how to enjoy the moment, just looking at them, and nothing more :)

July - HERA Climb4Life! Third year in a row. Trained for a return to higher, more committing climbs.

August - Continued training - lots of pitches and days at Seneca, ended the month with a wet climbing trip to New Hampshire at Cannon Cliff.

September - Off to Seattle - hardest climb that made me use every ounce of mental, physical, emotional commitment and a lot more spirituality than I would've believe to go car-to-car in four days, with no water source for the first three days. Left the mountain still good friends with my partner.

October - Enjoyed fall climbing among the turning leaves in the East. Swore since my main objective of the year was complete, I didn't need to push myself. But still managed to get on a few climbs I couldn't get to the top of :) and that was ok.

November - Returned to Indian Creek. Fell, injured settled in for recovery. Sigh. Note to self to not ignore the voice coming from my belly - asking me how a 5 pitch desert tower at 5.10 was an appropriate rest day activity with a two hour approach on either end? Oh well, learning not to take it so hard on myself.

December - Focused on recovery, studying, although got in a couple ski days at the local Pennsylvania resort - despite physical therapists admonishment. Tried ice climbing again end of the month. Had a little bit to go before back in my usual condition and shape.

2012 in Review

2011 was a year for big transitions, from not working, to the anxiety of being jobless and needing the security of a salaried gig.

2012 - was perhaps about getting more settled - and perhaps seeing after I wrote the summaries - of giving myself healthy doses of mountains:

January - Ice climbing for New Years, and the long weekend holidays. It was nice to spend that time on the road with good friends.

February - Itching for adventure, especially after a marathon run of Banff Mountain Filmfest screening at the National Geographic, hopped on a plane with all my ice climbing equipment, prepared to beg, bribe, and sweet talk my way into ice climbing partnerships. Luckily, the IME icefest organizers let me squeeze into two fantastic clinics with Freddie Wilkinson and Mark Synnott. Went to Utah to ski- Snowbasin and Snowbird. Maybe I should have taken that as a sign my itch to be in the mountains would not be appeased.

March - Epic ski trip to Hokkaido, Japan. Amazing backcountry/side-country skiing - open bowl skiing followed by long soaks in mineral hot springs. Unfortunately blew my knee on my fourth day out. I had stretched it out plenty by trying to rid myself of a cold I caught on the flight over. Unfortunately returned a couple days earlier to seek medical treatment.

April - Yea - back in physical therapy. Got into a relationship. Did my annual international film fest binge in D.C. Took a pretty amazing climbing clinic that changed my head - Trad Mental Camp.

May - Gunks, New York City, a small turbo prop flight where they promoted me to captain and promptly fell asleep - thankfully the co-pilot was on it! My first visit to Oregon, sea-side whale sightings, Wilmette Valley Pinot Noir, micro-brews in rainy Bend, Smith Rocks climbing.

June - With a bum knee, started taking opera singing lesson. Yes, opera singing lessons :) Please don't ask me to sing though.

July - Rockclimbing in North Conway, mostly Cathedral. Fighting urges to flee a relationship - learned about working it out like adults, being vulnerable and not blaming.

August - My journey into alternative therapies, catalyzed by a surprise allergic reaction and lack of immediate specialist appointment, sought the acupuncturist. Got the first glimmer of hope I could recover my right ankle to climb harder, longer, and go back to mountaineering/ alpine climbing.

September - the usual Fall climbing, weddings, quick East-side trips.

October - Went to Yosemite - awesome to return and climb! Met some amazing people in an amazing setting. Inspired, totally inspired.

November - A few bits of local climbing - with locally born and raised climbers - enjoying the changing of the season, family-time.

December - took off on a one-month unpaid sabbatical to Montana. Drove through the northern states. Spent time in Bozeman for the icefest, climbing in Hyalite Canyon, and then the rest of the time in Big Sky, skiing at Moonlight and Big Sky. Finished out Christmas in Wyoming, skiing at the epic Jackson Hole.

The years have passed and where have my 'plans' gone ...

The old years in review. I'm sometimes surprised how long I've stayed in one place. Going back the to San Juans of SW Colorado rekindled something in me - maybe that promise to take off West. I cried for an hour the day after my plane left. I was secretly hoping United would have cancelled my flight and I would've had to stay in SW Colorado another day or two. But it didn't so here are the years I didn't post

2011 - What a doozy, when my great road trip ended and life back in the rat race began.

January - spent a month in the San Juans of SW Colorado - predominantly living in Ouray. On the way stopped in West Virginia Snowshoe for some night skiing and the Bourbon trail in Kentucky. Our next stop was in Denver at a friend's, and then a stop in Breckenridge, and then some godforsaken Motel 6 - maybe just outside of Grand Junction, on the way to Ouray. Discovered backcountry powder skiing at Red Mountain Pass, took ski lessons at Telluride, spent a few days with friends in Crested Butte. Took a five day hut tour among the Burn and Ridgeway huts in the San Juans - became so hooked on backcountry skiing - swore to learn to ski all kinds of mountain terrain in any and every condition, and probably never come back to Colorado just to ice climb.

February - returned to the Front Range, stayed another night in Denver, checked out Loveland, a second time at Breckenridge and Copper Mountain. I drove back through a Rocky Mountain snow storm. Eventually left the storm in Kansas city. Crashed in St. Louis. Drove straight to D.C. A week after Valentine's day got dumped.

March - Started earnestly looking for a job. Interviewed and accepted a job as an outdoor climbing instructor for REI. Started the dance to get a salaried office job. Ice climbed in the Adirondacks and fell of the second pitch of Multiplication Gulley, a 240' New England ice climb. Began the saga of right foot restoration. Went back to Crested Butte. Craiglisted a ride from Denver to Buena Vista, skied at Arapahoe Basin, met two road-tripping friends and skied at Crested Butte for a few awesome days.

April - rock climbed with friends back in the mid-Atlantic. Did some pre-employment training. Accepted an offer from the big company.

May - started work at the big company. Worked a lot. Went on a few climbing trips to the Gunks and the New River Gorge.

June - Lots of work - went to Atlanta for a brief moment.

July - First year participating in HERA Climb4Life

August - Lots of employer subsidized rehabbing the right ankle and a broken heart.

September - Trip to climb Mt. Shuksan, Washington - realized the foot may not heal the way I hoped.

October - Lots of volunteer climbing events, for Wounded Warrior, spent time at Seneca Rocks, Red River Gorge, had lots of fun - did some easier fun climbing.

November - Continued to appreciate being back home and seeing good friends.

December - Returned to the Front Range of Colorado - Vail specifically - in a fairly low-snow season.

Accident Report: 11/9 Sister's Superior Tower Jah Man Grade II 5.10

Here's my chance to live my words. I put this on the new forum created by the decades old Potomac Mountain Club. I e-mailed it to friends who weren't members of the Potomac Mountain Club. Will I submit this to the Accidents in North American Mountaineering? Haven't decided. I was encouraged by a climbing friend to post it on Facebook - which has seemed to kill the blog - but this is too long for Facebook.

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I hurt my left foot and got whiplash symptoms in my neck and shoulders. After driving the 4wd .5 miles to a pull out in the wash and a 1 hour and 40 minute approach (we started at 7 am) we were at the base of the popular desert tower climb Jah Man (pronounced Yah Man), five pitches, Grade II, 5.10c. I started the first pitch (5.9/5.8+) and found the climbing surprisingly greasy and not well protected (it was a 50' pitch or shorter and I placed one offset nut, (2) 3, and (1) 4 camalots. My right hand even slipped off the hand traverse but thankfully my left foot and left hand were able to keep me from falling off. I finished at a block slung by tat on a ledge and brought Erin C. up. Pitch two was the 5.8+ chimney pitch. The crux was getting into the chimney by laybacking a triangle shaped off-width block. After realizing I was still too big to squeeze through the block into the chimney, I placed a red Metolius master cam about seven feet up from the belay ledge just right of the flake in a crack and then a small blue Alien cam a foot above it. Heel hooking to get myself on top of the sloping slippery flake I grasped at the inside of the chimney trying to find a way to transition into it. In the middle I tucked my feet under my hips almost straddling the flake. I stood up on the flake. There was no pro at my head height and at this point the alien was at my feet. My vision started started to focus on a smaller and smaller span of rock in front of me while my mind screamed, 'no fall zone! jump into the chimney!' Grasping at a small sloper on the right side of the chimney I attempted to make the move but the next thing I know, I'm riding the triangle flake down, desperately squeezing the flake with my legs on both sides to slow down the fall before I toppled backwards off it as it sharply ended. I probably hit another section of the flake and almost came down on Erin. Her belay stopped me as the alien held my hips less than a foot off the ledge. If climbing has slapstick, this was a hilariously awkward and strange fall. Rattled and feeling urgency as a group of seven French climbers started up the first pitch behind us, Erin took over the lead. After it was my turn to climb I told Erin, "I think my left foot is f*ed up," She asked if I wanted to bail, I told her I would continue climbing and see how I felt. The climbing felt fine, maybe it was adrenaline, endorphins or both but my foot felt okay, not 100% but not pained by climbing. Erin finished the rest of the pitches of Jah Man (5.8+, 5.10c, 5.10, 5.10). I followed. We finished with lunch on the ledge with the French climbers who's party we ended up in the middle of, rapped on their ropes and hiked back the less than 2 miles to the car, did a wine tasting and ended up back at the condo at 4:15 pm, to watch the sunset from the windows. We might have to do the climb again as neither of us had a chance to slap each other with high-fives between pitches exclaiming, "Jah Man!"

Post Doctor's Visit Analysis: I have a sprain in my left foot and a cyst in the joint cartilage. I'm scheduled for an MRI as an x-ray doesn't show fractures in the smaller bones.  I can walk but at 80% of the pace I do now, boots are uncomfortable, and I have constant but diminishing pain. I can climb top rope, but I can't run or jog (or dance in heels - found that out by Saturday morning!). Hiking seems to be okay. I was also tested for a concussion. I don't remember hitting my head or back or neck and I was wearing a helmet, but 28 hours after the incident, I had a headache at the base of my skull and tight shoulders and neck. Given my lack of focus the following day, the doctors believe I had some sort of mild or less severe concussion. I'm still processing the fall, but I think a few factors played into it 1) having my confidence shook by my near fall on the first pitch 2) being overconfident because the last two days we had been on harder graded climbs at Indian Creek 3) fatigue from climbing harder routes the previous two days 4) instead of being focused on where I was with my feet on the slippery rock, fixated on getting into the chimney (a lapse of attention at the moment). At this point the only thing I can think of doing differently is being more aware of where I was standing and making sure I was comfortable on my feet and taking a good look around. When I TR'd the pitch, it was smooth and not nearly as difficult as I had made it out to be on lead (easier said on top rope as always!). Perhaps taking a rest day before climbing the route after two hard days of climbing might have been wiser too.

I started this blog as a diversion. And now I'm totally not needing the diversion of this blog. My life almost has nothing to do with international affairs anymore, and when it does, a scant tangent to it. I have to almost re-title my handle, bureauquette, no more.

I've left that career behind, that tearfully attained master's degree in a discipline I don't ever practice. What changed? I work less. My job is to help people, well businesses, well the government. I had to look inside myself, because I had to take stock of the six years of emotional neglect. Spiritual neglect ... and this blog was a way to see how much I stayed in tune with that.

I've started to work less hours. I'm still salaried but I took a 25% pay cut to get hopefully 25% more time back in the rat race that's is living and working in the D.C. metro area. My closest are friends are the ones I can discuss consciousness practice with, I shell out oodles of money for clinics that help me realize physical intelligence. For a while I neglected this blog, because I thought it would just focus too much into my hobby of climbing. Hardly a hobby it is anymore, but rather a lifestyle. Every prospective friends, whether its someone I meet in a casual account, and friends I had from before, I explain, I climb, or ski, practically every weekend.

Dying time

Climbing deaths - happen.  There are articles and even books written about it.  Healing and closure after the death of a close friend is a personal thing, it is also very much within the public sphere when it happens on public lands.  The results are important to the community to reinforce,  learn and remind us what we do for the sake of fun and spending time with like-minded friends, also reminds us how mortal we are.  If you receive the annual Accidents in Mountaineering you know this.  To tell people not to discuss the death of a fellow climber seems tantamount to enforce the 'forgetting' of the event and telling people to accept only certain versions of the truth from particular people is in disservice of the deceased.  Swallow your pride, death will get the better of us in time.  Death is hard, I've seen it happen to two of my close climbing friends - frankly, the discussion post-death helped me heal and understand how and why they died, and what for.  If I died doing something I was passionate about, I would hope those I shared a rope with and a love of the mountains learn something - not enforce a  'silence' period.  There is little respect in such action because it is rooted in protecting what we fear to know about ourselves and our community.  What do I know?  I'm alive, but I would think better of imposing my will on others, and just because someone 'knew' someone does not accord them any extra special powers to silence others.  For those of you who are healing, death hurts the living most.  I'm sorry you are in pain, the suffering also reminds us we are alive, and mortal.

2012 Notes from the Films

So I'm back with my annual Filmfest DC review.  I saw eleven this year and the best part is I achieved it all seeing it with friends and family, old and new and young ;). 

The Sandman - I thought this was one of the best films, precluding that I didn't see 5 Broken Cameras or Monsieur Lazahar which also got top faves from the audience.  I'm into nihilistic dream-sequence dramas with an actual story line and good acting while taking place in an absurd fantastical almost real setting, kind of like one of my faves, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 

Abu, Son of Adam - I like this film because it kind of reminds me of my pops.  Except I didn't think it was good enough to warrant a Academy Awards submission.

Facing Mirrors - Five star movie, although the post-text will have you believe the Iranian government is progressive because it allows sex change surgery and will provide loans for the operation.  The story is heart-rending, with some of the finest character acting I've seen anywhere.

Terraferma - Good movie if it hadn't been shown in conjunction with Facing Mirrors or The Sandman.  It was a subtle drama and emotional at once.

Goodbye - This movie trapped you in the theater with thoughts of escape.  It's the point of the whole story (or lack thereof), the purpose of the film is better described through the background of its actual director, his first since being released from Iranian prison.

Crazy Wisdom - really nice glowing documentary on Tibetan lama Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, who brought Eastern Buddhism to the West.

Blood in the Mobile - a Micheal Moore-esque documentary.  Heart-rending video footage shows enough damning evidence as does a corporation's inability to eloquently rebuff questions surrounding its supply chain.  Not as relevant once one does some homework though. 

War of the Arrows - epic historical war drama from the Republic of Korea.  Lots of China bashing and cheering for the good guys.  Feel good film, worth seeing on the silver screen.

Almanya - Welcome to Germany - one of my favorites, tells the story of Turkish immigrants to Germany, its plot of East colliding with West with hilarious results is applicable to immigrants' stories in any Western country.  I laughed, I cried, I'm glad I spent time to watch this movie. 

Cousinhood - crowd favorite, I thought it was in the realm of 'Last Kiss' and 'The Hangover' (read Dude flick).  Certainly shows men's vulnerabilities but the portrayal of women, particularly the supporting actress who plays Martina was so one-sided.  The women's character were essentially caricatures: the Mother, lover, angel Martina, the crazy controlling banshee Tona, and bitchy whore daughter (forget her name), insecure indecisive ex-fiancee.  I had too much trouble suspending my disbelief on the lack of character development in the women to really enjoy the movie.  There's a reason why this director is still single (maybe unrealistic expectations of women?) but I will give him a pass for dealing with the peculiarities of producing reasonable length films. 

The Policeman - a film for those more familiar with traveling in Israel and perhaps the peculiarities of policing and defending that nation.  I liked it because it reminded me of Israel: Eastern Europeans in the Mediterranean.  It might be somewhat prophetic as well.

Re-capping 2010

This was an old post that when I went to publish, blogger crapped out on me:

Besides turning 30 what did I do was notable? Somethings I've posted about already, and I'm thinking about my 'never' list but I'm too lazy to find it and scan it ... maybe an idea for something else I can look up.

January - I remember I was living in Ballston fooling myself into thinking I could continue working for DoD. I probably went on some ice climbing trips. I also mourned the loss of my colleague in Afghanistan. I learned my aunt had breast cancer.

February - Probably more ice climbing trips. Took my first avalanche awareness course.

March - Took my second avalanche course and skied in Colorado for the first time. Crested Butte. Discovered powder. Became insanely jealous of my avalanche comrades who were outfitted in skis while I tromped clumsily around Rocky Mountain National Park in my snowshoes. Snuck in a rockclimbing trip to the Gunks.

April - Moved back to D.C. after realizing I was never going to adapt to living in Arlington. Started appreciating spring time in the city, trained for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer by walking everywhere, 5 to 10 miles a day. Attended DC filmfest fiendishly.

May - Walked a marathon length one day, and a half marathon length the second day. Hardest thing I have ever done. My feet felt like raw pulverized ground meat for a week. Continued training. Went on a date with the first climber to become my boyfriend in six years.



June - Left for Tanzania. Wowed by wildlife in the Serengeti and Ngorongoro crater. Got followed around by a toad in our camp, witnessed wild cheetahs nearby and giraffes in the parking lot. Scared off by lions in the ladies room. Summited Mt. Kilimanjaro, my first and probably only Seven Summit.

July - Said goodbye to a dear friend after his quick spirited and calm acceptance with a terminal illness. Climbed my first of the 50 Classic Climbs of North America - the Petit Grepon on my return visit to Rocky Mountain National Park. Notably this was date # 6 with my ex-boyfriend to be and my first successful alpine route. Another post warrants on date # 6. I also quit my cushy federal job, missed my flight back to DC and instead visited friends in Seattle and San Diego for another 10 days.

August - I returned just in time from my adventures out west to go on date #10 to Chamonix, France. There I didn't climb anything of consequence but had a great time with friends, ate yummy food, dealt with my nagging independence in the face of a looming relationship, and soaked in beautiful views of the French Alps.

September - More home bound than planned due to an recurring illness. Got to be around one of my best friends and witness her become a mother to two children. Eventually got back to San Diego to climb. Climbed my second alpine route in Teton National Park, although not a 50 classic, I thought a better climb than the Petit Grepon.

October- My favorite climbing season, discovered the Red River Gorge in Kentucky, went to an old favorite, the New River Gorge in West Virginia. Took off for a cross-country road-trip.

November - Drove to Joshua Tree, CA and back. On the way saw an old friend and made new ones. Definitely pushed my climbing further than I ever have before. Returned in time for the holidays.

December - Christmas Day ice climbing, worked outdoor recreation equipment and clothing retail, got my first big scare on a lead climb in the Dacks. The same one I got a bloody nose on earlier in the year in January. Realized I was soloing a 350' slush cone of a waterfall ice climb and experienced near anchor failure (would've been catastrophic had it actually happened).
Worked New Year's Eve after driving back from that trip during the night before, and opened my eyes just enough to see fireworks over Baltimore harbor.

film fest continued

I'll continue with my review of films:

West is West

This is the sequel to East is East, which was made I think over 10 years ago. The first film introduces us to the Khans, a half Pakistani, half British working class family that is struggling with their hybrid children in 1970's England. It's supposed to be funny but East is East gets pretty serious at the end. West is West takes places after most of the children have grown up but one, who is tormented in school for his Pakistani heritage. So his father (same actor from the first film) decides to take him back to his paternal homeland to show him some pride in his ancestral roots. And of course, it couldn't be a film about folks from the subcontinent without a wedding a scene.

Himalaya: A Path to the Sky

Ever wonder what it's like to start off being a monk in a Tibetan Buddhist monastery? Making meals, keeping warm in the above-alpine environment? This is a documentary for you. Pretty fascinating exposure to a way of life rarely glimpsed with amazing footage of the legendary mountain range.

Moner Manush or The Qwest

Epic on the life of a Bengali mystic poet. Beautiful music and scenery, many of which were shot in the country my family comes from. The original Bengali title refers to the Soul Man ... and the film is about Lalan's search for the soul man, peace, inner divinity, whatever it is you call it, that which is beyond legality, society, religion, and conflict.

The Traveler

Egyptian flick that was really weird. This is one that the film fest oversold ... unless you like surreal existentialist dramas. It follows a telegraph operator who rapes a woman after lying to her about his identity and is contacted by the following generations resulting from that event. He makes choices and seems to be tied to each generation's fatality, without knowing why. Apparently this film takes place over three days in the main character's life, each which signify a pivotal point in Arab history. It's deeply symbolic I suppose but you might have to do some research on what happened in the Arab world each of those days to get past the seemingly senseless drama.

2011 DC Film Fest!

Yup, I have continued my favorite annual obsession and here's a review:

Bardsongs

It's a film in three parts. The reason to see it is the cinematography, the scenes of Jodhpur in Rajasthan, city of Djenne in Mali, and the Ladakh region of India. It entwines music created for the film with the storylines that seem documentary-esque in nature. I really don't understand why the filmmaker quotes Wuthering Heights, a gothic romance, at the beginning of this film.

Little Rose

It's a dark piece about the Polish paranoia of Jewish influence in the late 1970's. The main actress was a pleasure to watch for her acting and probably features easily one of the creepiest boyfriends in cinema arts theater.

3

This was probably my favorite so far of the festival from the German director who brought us Run Lola Run. Honestly, I barely remember his previous film, but I thought it was a well directed and cleverly acted piece about human romantic relationships.

The Man from Nowhere

It's a violent Korean flick but not as violent as the Chaser thankfully. It didn't contain the same element of suspense either but it was enjoyable.

Mozart's Sister

I really like this film despite its historical embellishment about Nannerl's relationship with the Dauphin. The pleasure of watching this film was actually listening to its score.