And we're caught up - 2013!

This was a particularly challenging year - good and bad - maybe I'm accepting more - maybe I'm learning the best place to find my lightened moments is to stop avoiding my dark times.

January - Back from Montana - go on a few trips with good friends to New Hampshire to ice climb. Starting to see cracks in the recent caulking of my romantic relationship.

February - Committed to not just 'running away' - trying to solve the problems in the relationship. It was tough, but I'm glad we did it. Did a couple ice climbing trips to lighten the heaviness.

March - Acknowledgment and realization set in. Went to another life mind-set changing clinic - for skiing at the invitation of a caring friend in Alta, UT.

April - Went back to Utah, this time to climb at Indian Creek with two amazing women friends. Loved being in the desert in an amazing setting.

May - Went to the New, helped my high-school best friend prepare for her wedding - honored to be part of her ceremony.

June - Went to Peru with the family. For two weeks. It was the biggest challenge - being in an amazing country with amazing peaks and learning how to enjoy the moment, just looking at them, and nothing more :)

July - HERA Climb4Life! Third year in a row. Trained for a return to higher, more committing climbs.

August - Continued training - lots of pitches and days at Seneca, ended the month with a wet climbing trip to New Hampshire at Cannon Cliff.

September - Off to Seattle - hardest climb that made me use every ounce of mental, physical, emotional commitment and a lot more spirituality than I would've believe to go car-to-car in four days, with no water source for the first three days. Left the mountain still good friends with my partner.

October - Enjoyed fall climbing among the turning leaves in the East. Swore since my main objective of the year was complete, I didn't need to push myself. But still managed to get on a few climbs I couldn't get to the top of :) and that was ok.

November - Returned to Indian Creek. Fell, injured settled in for recovery. Sigh. Note to self to not ignore the voice coming from my belly - asking me how a 5 pitch desert tower at 5.10 was an appropriate rest day activity with a two hour approach on either end? Oh well, learning not to take it so hard on myself.

December - Focused on recovery, studying, although got in a couple ski days at the local Pennsylvania resort - despite physical therapists admonishment. Tried ice climbing again end of the month. Had a little bit to go before back in my usual condition and shape.

2012 in Review

2011 was a year for big transitions, from not working, to the anxiety of being jobless and needing the security of a salaried gig.

2012 - was perhaps about getting more settled - and perhaps seeing after I wrote the summaries - of giving myself healthy doses of mountains:

January - Ice climbing for New Years, and the long weekend holidays. It was nice to spend that time on the road with good friends.

February - Itching for adventure, especially after a marathon run of Banff Mountain Filmfest screening at the National Geographic, hopped on a plane with all my ice climbing equipment, prepared to beg, bribe, and sweet talk my way into ice climbing partnerships. Luckily, the IME icefest organizers let me squeeze into two fantastic clinics with Freddie Wilkinson and Mark Synnott. Went to Utah to ski- Snowbasin and Snowbird. Maybe I should have taken that as a sign my itch to be in the mountains would not be appeased.

March - Epic ski trip to Hokkaido, Japan. Amazing backcountry/side-country skiing - open bowl skiing followed by long soaks in mineral hot springs. Unfortunately blew my knee on my fourth day out. I had stretched it out plenty by trying to rid myself of a cold I caught on the flight over. Unfortunately returned a couple days earlier to seek medical treatment.

April - Yea - back in physical therapy. Got into a relationship. Did my annual international film fest binge in D.C. Took a pretty amazing climbing clinic that changed my head - Trad Mental Camp.

May - Gunks, New York City, a small turbo prop flight where they promoted me to captain and promptly fell asleep - thankfully the co-pilot was on it! My first visit to Oregon, sea-side whale sightings, Wilmette Valley Pinot Noir, micro-brews in rainy Bend, Smith Rocks climbing.

June - With a bum knee, started taking opera singing lesson. Yes, opera singing lessons :) Please don't ask me to sing though.

July - Rockclimbing in North Conway, mostly Cathedral. Fighting urges to flee a relationship - learned about working it out like adults, being vulnerable and not blaming.

August - My journey into alternative therapies, catalyzed by a surprise allergic reaction and lack of immediate specialist appointment, sought the acupuncturist. Got the first glimmer of hope I could recover my right ankle to climb harder, longer, and go back to mountaineering/ alpine climbing.

September - the usual Fall climbing, weddings, quick East-side trips.

October - Went to Yosemite - awesome to return and climb! Met some amazing people in an amazing setting. Inspired, totally inspired.

November - A few bits of local climbing - with locally born and raised climbers - enjoying the changing of the season, family-time.

December - took off on a one-month unpaid sabbatical to Montana. Drove through the northern states. Spent time in Bozeman for the icefest, climbing in Hyalite Canyon, and then the rest of the time in Big Sky, skiing at Moonlight and Big Sky. Finished out Christmas in Wyoming, skiing at the epic Jackson Hole.

next time on your first worst date

Think of me. I went out with a dreamy guy. Human rights and saving refugees from HIV/AIDs kind of ambitions, Master's in something, settled in the career, resume chock full of betterment of humanity-type of activities. Wine connoisseur, jazz-aficionado, city-life lover, jacked good looking blue eyed fella.

Date: sumptuous dinner chasing raw jalapenos sprinkled with crushed pepper down with infused vodkas, along with the two margaritas, and then two Haitian rums, a clear brandy, and Delirium Tremens late (I wasn't even trying to keep up) ... his German blood started failing him.

We were daring each other at the bar to create mischief on our unwary nearby patrons (although I think the bartenders suspected), and then we started to test each other's reflexes. Stepping outside the bar with many Friday night revelers on the well-lit street turned-party before us, I threw a playful kick to test his reflexes. Before I realized, his shadow rushed at me from the corner of my eye, and I was flat on my back on a sidewalk on 8th St.

The boy had tackled me.

"Whoa!!! Whoa! What the???!!!" Were the exclamations I heard vaguely through my alcohol fogged ears. He was laughing, I laughed along, not drunk enough to hide my nervousness or how freaked out I really was. He helped me up. I pretended to brush myself off for the next three blocks.

"So what do you want to do next?" he asked laughing not looking me in the eye.

"I think the metro's about to close. Ciao!"

the point guide

I can't say this speaks for all women, but I figure it's time to put it out there. Particularly given how the change in a women's status and opportunities have also confused relations between the sexes. So here's a sampling of behaviors that are rewarded and infractions that may be grounds for dismissal:

Rewarded:

Courtesy, ie:) opening doors, saying please, thank you, I think Cleveland Park Men's Best Practices actually does a good job of explaining this) (100)
Paying for a meal on the first date, but if she insists (ask if she's sure) on splitting the check, then do it (100)
Flowers, particularly unexpectedly (100)
In general surprising her in a good way (500)
Being romantic but not in a gag reflex kind of way (you have to figure this one out on your own, see the next point) (500)
Listening to her (you can show you are by asking questions about what she's talking to you about) (500)
Making her laugh (500)
When introducing you to your friends, making it easy (500)
Cooking her a meal (not appropriate for the first date) (500)
Being confident and sure of yourself without being egotistical and arrogant (750)
Having her parents get along with you (1000-not necessary for everyone)
Having her friends get along with you (1000-not necessary for everyone)

Infractions:

Trying to get her drunk on the first date (-100)
Eying other girls in her presence (-500)
Hitting on other girls in her presence (grounds for dismissal)
Making fun of her -and not in a good way (grounds for dismissal)
Being on a completely different planet during a date (-400)
Hiding something bothering you by repeatedly saying you're fine! (-50-you can admit it without divulging details)
Not returning a phone call (-10, if repeated grounds for dismissal)
Standing her up (grounds for dismissal)
The mother hates you (grounds for dismissal-can depend on the woman)
Fighting with her friends (depends on the situation--I've been both: the disapproving friend, and the datee caught between a rock and a hard place)
Obsessive, jealous or manipulative behaviors (grounds for dismissal)
Cheating on her (grounds for being strung by your balls from a tree branch)

bang

this is more appropriate for a diary entry. sometimes we mix wrong chemicals, sometimes we mix wrong people, and sometimes there's an explosion. call it a premonition or something, but i spent the whole week trying to shake off the feeling that all i planned would reveal that my machination would result in an incendiary mix rather than a nice harmonious gathering, where e-mails and phone numbers are exchanged. Well there were thank god. that is both ... thankfulness that friends were forged, and somehow the nodding acceptance that i was right about my failure.

1/4

So I won't be 24 come in less than a couple weeks and I need to change my banner (its has 24 on it for some reason). I suppose I could look at it as 24 hours or something, but I think its time for a change. And here's another post I thought about last night, and didn't put up:

still finds me attractive in spectacles:feeling underdressed next to his suit
laughs easily: slaps his knee a lot
feel natural around: censor my speech
easy going evening: can't sleep b/c thinking about him too much
makes fun of fiction: makes fiction
feel confident about introducing him to my friends: worry about introducing him to my friends
calls me for a date: e-mails me two hours after we were supposed to meet for a date
can tell what's on his mind: can't tell what's on his mind
nervous on the first date: confident or egotistical on the first date?
feels more like a brother than a boyfriend: feels like he'll hurt me in the end

sweet potatoes stood up

I was going to post something like this last night, but today I decided not to:

In this day in age with the many communication tools we have it makes absolutely no sense. This is surely chutzpah for my thinking I could actually have a dating life while being a graduate student and working full time (and only a week away from a final).
1. There's a phone, EVERYWHERE, call me and if you don't have a really good excuse, make one up, it'll help me feel better, I could be worrying that your sorry ass has been abducted by aliens.
2. We made plans an hour before!!! What could've happened???

But I'd rather talk about my favorite vegetable: sweet potatoes (if you count tomatoes as fruit):

Maybe you don't remember my quest for local homegrown festival hand cut sweet potato fries, only to be sorely disappointed, I discovered two joints that serve sweet potato fries within walking distance: P St. Bistro and St. Ex.

P St. Bistro Cafe has sort of flat, I think slightly coated double fried sweet potatoes
Cafe St. Ex has thin sweet potato fries

Neither are the festival variety I was looking for, but I can't cry about the P St. ones because they were donated by the table next to us when we were a bit conspicuous about staring at them. I like P St., I ordered a sandwich though, and I'm not really a sandwich person. It was the steak sandwich, although fine, wasn't exactly something to order again ... needed spice. But regardless its a great neighborhood joint to have a casual dinner with a girlfriend and catch up with gossip, etc.

girl women

Having heard much about the Cleveland Park Men's Club, I decided to peruse their website. For a sampling ...

Women vs. Girls

From a man’s perspective there are two types of available females: Women and Girls. At a certain point in his maturation, a man realizes that the latter category is an utter waste of his time, while the former category is rare and worth doing virtually anything to find and to keep, to have and to hold....

THIS IS A GIRL... A Girl
possesses a combination of several of the following characteristics.
OVER-CONCERNED WITH : UNDER-CONCERNED WITH'
Her Manicure : A Cure for Breast Cancer
Her Shoe Collection : Her Collected Works
Shopping : Living
Sitcom Plot Lines : Political Plot Lines
Being Skinny : Being Genuine ....

THIS IS A WOMAN...
A Woman possesses a combination of several of the following characteristics.
SHE IS : SHE IS NOT
Independent : Trying to Be a Man’s Dependent
Confident : Seeking Men to Bolster Confidence
Passionate About Something: Passionate Only for a Lover
Capable of Loving a Man : Capable of Loving a Man’s Title
Mature Enough to Be a Mom : Simply Capable of Being a Mother
Genuine : Putting on a Show to Catch a Man
Sincere : Playing Games to Test a Man
Longing for Love : Seeking Only Romantic Trappings
Self-Aware : Only Aware of Her

I find it ironic because I don't think most men would know a woman if she hit him over the head. Generally these are the men who think they'll find the 'one' at a bar or something. But Bureauqette, don't you go clubbing? Yah to dance with girlfriends in nice big circle, elbowing and shoving male interlocutors.

But ya know it got me thinking, I don't think it's so much the difference between women and girls, because I see the same difference between boys and men, if you can call it that. Really it comes down to experience and maturity. I've only had two boyfriends to speak of and they shared similiar backgrounds: parents still together, stay at home mom, private school education, good colleges, professionals. When I asked what was the worst time of their life, their response might have been something that was no doubt tough for them, but I think in the realm of childhood, experiences that were not particularly extreme or uncommon. I'm not going to say my childhood was worse or better than anyone else's, but there's a difference between people who've had to be decision makers in their families, and been part of the process of severe life changing events. There are other people who've had near perfect childhoods, one that anyone would want for their children. Although those are the people I find have a sunny rosy view of life, care not for health risks or other small disasters because although they've been preached about it, they have not experienced the vagaries of life.

So what about girls and women? How about immature versus mature applying to both sexes?

escorts

I've become quite proficient at somehow ending up paying for really expensive meals on 'dates' for guys. Let me tell you, the reverse definitley does not work. Nor is it working well for my checkbook.

weekends

Chopingal said it straight. Although I've probably had more estrogen in my world the past few weeks than ever before, and I thought all I wanted was to interact with the male of the species, I quickly changed my mind after this weekend.

In his generous earnestness, a friend's ex was going to set me up with his buddy, which I had no knowledge of beforehand. I greeted this news an hour before we went to Agua with trepidation. I appreciate my friends efforts to alleviate what they perceive to be my lack of dating life and loneliness, but between work and school, and reminding my friends and family that I'm still alive with a timely visit, I have no desire for the added pressure of dating. Maybe what angered me the most about my friend's ex was his attempt to make me into something I'm not. I frankly did not plan to spend my evening sitting like a bump on a chair pandering to their intellect and rehashing my college and graduate international relations theory classes or talk about paintings. I wanted to dance. You wanted to see me lively? Get on the freakin' dance floor and don't make comments about me being too laid back when I just want to quench my thirst and endure your company for the duration of the drink.

Also, even though I've never had the pleasure of extended companionship with a politico, or those who thinks its fun to talk politics at a bar, I know why I don't want to spend my evenings off with them. Frankly when I'm at work and school, my brain works very hard, and I purposefully shut it down whenever I get the chance and would rather ponder whether Brad cheated on Jennifer with Angelina than talk about how GM has taken over the world, or how many celebrities someone has been seen with, or try to ponder the feminist ramifications of 'American Psycho.' Although I must admit, it make me laugh a little inside when I see how people get so animated by these topics ... oh the passion, even though they're not going to do anything to change it.

Also I'm not keen on guys who don't want me to tell it how it is, if I were back in ancient times, they'd expect to me play a harp, do a dance, sing a song, quote something out of a book of poems, and then lay me afterwards. So when I said "Caddyshack sucked," you just have to take it.

I had good points this weekend though: climbing in good company Sunday afternoon, enjoying the laughter of a guy who thought my derision of political talk was funny, dancing at Agua, and another friend's bbq where thankfully all the company wanted to do was talk about planning our next adventure. I don't watch sports, I play them, I don't talk books, I read them, I don't talk artists, I view/hear them, I don't talk EPA policies, I enjoy what natural lands we still have ... blah blah blah blah blah ....

9 inch hell

You can file this post under drunken and jerks ... I was so mad I walked all the way home (at least 1/2 mile) in 4 inch heels. I gotta respect a guy when he literally steps into my shoes and tries to dance in them ... to understand why I can have the equivalent of 6 drinks in a short amount of time and not fall down ... the pain, the pain through my feet, that only black out oblivion can cure. Yes, girls are crazy, he said it straight. But don't fucking laugh in my face when I tell you I'm black belt in Taekwondo, don't tell me it means nothing, especially after I've kicked you in the face and then twist your arm so bad you won't have full use of your wrist for the next few days. Hey, Mr. Blahnik, you told me you knew Aki do ... well fuck you, I know hap ki do too.

You use that line, "You're so beautiful, you're so hot," don't mean a damn thing when you laugh in my face when I tell you I enjoy beating the jerk out of asses like you. I told you my favorite place is Black Cat, and those people who know me, know I'm a badass ... am I trying to prove it to the readership, the few peope who read this blog? No, but don't insult a girl who's been wearing nine inch hells on her feet with two martinis, scotch, and god knows how much champagne in her.

anatomy

ahem ... this will be one of my more soul-baring (we'll see), disgustingly honest (probably not) and revealing (for me) posts ... the anatomy of a hook up? Is there an expiration date? Is it ever, gotta be within a year or forget it? And what's even stranger, that after all this time has passed, you two are the same people, looking for the same things ... one in denial? the other afraid? What does one think when after three years and a failed relationship, an old sexual ghost from the past rings you in the middle of the night, someone who's voice you haven't heard in over two years, to ask how you are doing?

We watched my favorite movie (every guy loves this title--but it is a tragic story: Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love). I still found him hopelessly attractive after three years, the slender dancer's/martial artist's physique, the lilt in his speech, the way he would casually put his arm around me, and how when I talked about the few times we had before, his eyes would light up with remembrance. His thin glasses, preppy look, height next to me, and goofiness ... how we tip toed around on the roof because the contractors had forgotten to lock the door, with a bottle of Spanish wine between us ... me every now and then having to discourage his impetuous male urge to throw stones into the windows across the street and at birds perched near us, hoping for a crumb from these afternoon rooftop picnicers?

When he left, startled by the hour at 9 in the evening, he said I ought to visit my 'friend' in his town, two hours away... no it wasn't a direct invitation for anything, and then he cruised out my door ... hungry I ordered chinese.

So this ended up being all three of things I mentioned, and sometimes I wonder do I give up even before I give it a chance?

awkward

I had a date with a boy a friend tried to set me up with. The second time we met he saw me dancing like a crazy at The Black Cat, during one of Selector Seth's Notorious events. It's okay to dance like a nut at Notorious or Mousetrap events at the Black Cat because this is a crew of people who were dancing to these songs alone in their bedrooms ... and uh 15 years later were still dancing like it, just now in public. Thus, it was fairly easy for him to impress me with his moonwalk. Finally, he asked me out over e-mail and said 'okay.'

No harm in an actual date. We met at Gazuza's for cocktails ... he told me how he called in sick to work that day ... I was convinced he still might not be feeling well given by his occasional cough. Then I suggested we go to Cafe Citron, which on a non-weekend evening is crammed with people who are experts at salsa and merengue dancing. Cute as always, he tried to mimick them, but whenever he twirled me around, he would accidently knock my elbow into someone's head or I'd get pushed back into a petite person. Accusing me of having set low dancing expectations at The Black Cat, he said I brought him to Cafe Citron to test him where almost everyone knew how to keep a beat with their feet. He walked me home ... and then came the awkward part.

I know by then, he wasn't for me, but it appeared he had decided that I was worth checking out a second time. So he leaned in for a kiss, aiming for my mouth, anticipating that, I moved my head to the right, in hopes it would land on my left cheek, he seems to have been watching me because what then ensued for that half second was him chasing my mouth. I won, and his kiss landed on my cheek and nowhere near my mouth. To seal it, I kissed his other cheek like all the internationals at Cafe Citron do ... we can be friends but that's it.

therapy

Certainly a blog can serve as one, maybe I'm just particularly teary, especially after seeing Chokher Bali. But the whole film made me question if being a widow is really worse than losing someone to something other than death. The shame and the humiliation from family and the questions, the expectations of your friends, particularly those who are catching up with you after several months, and they ask, "so no chance, not in a couple years?"

UVA did a study on couples ... I saw ads for it on the University Transit System aka, bus system run by disgruntled students who realized UVA's fratty conservative atmosphere did not embrace them too well into its white columned brick neo-classical structures. They asked for couples to be part of a psychological study. Actually they didn't care if the couple were still together ... the interesting part came when the two called it Splitsville. What they discovered was that losing someone to a failed relationship was worse than losing someone to death. With death, they are gone forever, it takes a far leap in spirituality to think you might be reunited with them again ...

In life, it is not so, in life, there's always the chance you'll run into them at a party with your new boyfriend, or worse, you'll see them with someone else (admittedly the former is much better than the latter). In life you'll wonder what you could've done differently, in life you may try to be friends. And then wonder, why was this person my life, and now I can't even bear to see them? In life, you think if that was your last shot, if you would have to settle for something less, or worse, nothing at all.

an end again

They say an end can be a start /Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends / I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny /I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control /They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is /Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all /I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell /Whatever it is it can't be named...
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away/ Now I know there's much more dignity ..
If I ever feel better /Remind me to spend some good time with you ...


Hang on to the good days/ I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times /But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe /Blame me for what's happening I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...
No one knows the hard times I went through /If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over /I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
.. Dark is the night, cold is the ground/ In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb I am sure I'll come through /
I don't know how
They say an end can be a start /Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

---Phoenix "If I ever feel better"

blog credits go to Indebleu and their amazing Lycheetini, blackberry Mojito, and something with pineapple and coconut in a martini glass.

candidity

I discovered a blog today called Greek Tragedy. Catherine pointed this out in one post about bloggers who are turning into book authors, their words written in real print. Anyway, I'm loving reading about Stephanie Klein's life ... her blog seems genuine and not fictional, and even it were fictional it such a good read. I was asked by one male friend to 'juice-up' my blog. Yeah, I don't think so, my mom has the URL and I have a sneaking suspicion my ex has it bookmarked. Anyway, if I wrote everything down here, what would I have to chat about over 2 Amy's pizza with my girlfriends? I need to save my juicy bits. Although reading Stephanie's blog does make me wistful ... one that I could write like her, and two be that candid.

In other news, I had given my mom the okay a few months ago to play matchmaker. She says now that my two uncles and a cousin are already fixed up, its my turn and her and the aunties are looking in earnest. So ma, if you're reading this, remember these are my requirements (and good luck finding them in a Bengali dude):

-Over 6'2 ft in height (must be able to wear heels without embarrassing said hubby)
-Western education (higher than BA preferred, preferably not IT)
-US citizen, primarily brought up in the United States or other English speaking country
-fit (works out cares about appearances)
-comes from progressive family (read--westernized)

Hopefully these requirements don't make me seem too shallow. Although I think my wish list is longer for guys I meet on my own. The funny thing is my dad isn't so hell-bent on me marrying me Bengali, only cares if the dude is Muslim. However given my mom's and aunt's circle of friends, I don't see how they'll find anyone but a Bengali Muslim.

hate post

stupid yuppie Capitol Hill douche bags that you saw towards the end of the night ... just absolutely rude fucking assholes, pardon my french

That's a direct quote from an e-mail I wrote yesterday to a friend. I'm going to use the power of blogger to write a hate post about two particular NOT gentlemen I met at Local 16 Saturday night: Laslow (some weird Hungarian name) and Nathan ... you two are absolute fuckwits.

The story: Laslow comes up to me, starts talking while his wingman Nathan hangs out beside me. A friend of mine visiting from 'out of town,' gets very protective. Suddenly Laslow ends conversation and leaves. Friends says, 'biggest douchebag ever.' I wish I had listened. See them an hour later, this time its Nathan hitting on me and Laslow observing (what kind of weird social behavior is THIS???!!!). I ask Nathan if he wants to meet a friend, all of sudden I hear a barrage of, "ARE YOU TRYING TO PUNT ME???" and then from Laslow, "ARE YOU TRYING TO PUNT MY FRIEND???!!!?" Nathan meets said (a girl) friend, acts like an utter prick and leaves. (Girl) friend says, what a fucking asshole??!!!

Amazing that actually managed to spoil Local 16 completely for me. I like Chi-Cha better, even though people are somewhat anti-social and only want to hang out with their own posse.

I must take choice quote from Laslow to describe Local 16:

'Don't do Citron, not into the eurotrash scene (and since when are World Bankers & IMFer's eurotrash?) ... Local 16 is where the yuppies hang out.'

Yea, that describes it ... Local 16, cool bohemian ambiance, absolute yuppie fuckwits crowding the space, acting more uptight than they do at work, and their idea of cutting lose is to be rude and act like assholes.